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Understanding Gentlemen: Of Courtship and Flowerpicking

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Of Courtship and Flowerpicking

 

TRIGGER WARNING: The following post contains old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t read if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, ready it anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.

 

Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.

Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you.

I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.

I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.

I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached.
I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.

 

I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework.
When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her.

He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT.

If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint.

I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control.

That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently.

Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such.

No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!

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Understanding Gentlemen: Courtesy and Kindness Go a long way

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Courtesy and Kindness Go a long way

As men, we long to be known for our strength, or ruggedness. If we are not particularly strong, we may have shifted that to a desire to be known for our intellect or creativity. Either way, what each of us want, is supremacy.  We want to be the best. We want to be the smartest. In fact, we often lie to ourselves very subtly, to tell ourselves that we are the best and most important person in the room.  Even those who may take up the mantle to fight for the downtrodden seem to share this character trait. You see it from  the Twitter feed of “social justice warriors” and even the old men swapping fish stories at the corner store over coffee. It’s human nature to put ourselves at the center of our own world.

A gentlemen shows a great that butts against this.  Courtesy. Kindness.

To put someone else’s needs ahead of our own clashes with our own inner beast.  And it often inspires the same response in others!

Let me challenge you directly, men. There are others who are smarter and stronger. And even those who are weaker and not as smart that need you to defer to them sometimes. They need you to step up and show kindness, politeness.

There are people that just need a smile, a laugh, a friend.

They might need you to offer a helping hand, or even make a sacrifice to help meet a bigger need.

I believe showing kindness goes against human nature, which is about self. Kindness though is built in is too… it’s built in because we are made in the image of God.
Let us never forget the kindness others have shown us, and let us live indebted to pay it forward in acts of love and service

Manlihood Gentlemen

Understanding Gentlemen: Moderated Ferocity

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Moderated Ferocity

 

Gentle should never mean weak.

Erase that image from your head, and make sure to erase it from the minds of those around you.

 

I’ll never forget wrestling with my father when I was a boy and even a young man. My dad had some military training, some martial arts training, and years of brawling and fighting behind him. He was stronger than any man I knew.

 

He definitely showed that strength while we rolled around in the living room floor. He could have crushed my head, snapped a bone, or really seriously hurt me. But he didn’t. He was gentle.

 

Being gentle is not being weak. It is moderating and controlling strength.

 

The Allegheny River flowed through our backyard. We were twenty miles from the source, so some would have called it a creek. A very deep swimming hole right on our backyard used to draw young people from town who wanted to cool off in the brown water.

 

Many of those young people were very disrespectful to my dad’s property, and to my dad himself. He would hear kids cussing or fighting, or catch kids littering or even driving or drugging, and would walk down the river and set them straight. I watched boys and girls day things to my dad that should have been greeted with a smack to the face. But he always kept his cool. He would very firmly ask them to leave. If his eyes got fiery, those kids would scatter. Once in awhile, a young man would need to be physically removed. Dad could have killed them. He never did.
That’s gentleness. That’s a gentleman.

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Understanding Gentlemen:  Chivalry is not Chauvinism

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Chivalry is not Chauvinism

 

Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.

 

chiv·al·ry
ˈSHivəlrē/Submit
noun
the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
historical
knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively.
“I fought against the cream of French chivalry”
the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
synonyms: knight errantry, courtly manners, knightliness, courtliness, nobility; bravery, courage, boldness, valor, heroism, daring, intrepidity; bushido
“the values of chivalry”

 

chau·vin·ism
ˈSHōvəˌnizəm/Submit
noun
exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
“public opinion was easily moved to chauvinism and nationalism”
synonyms: jingoism, excessive patriotism, blind patriotism, excessive nationalism, sectarianism, isolationism, flag-waving; More
excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one’s own cause, group, or gender.
plural noun: chauvinisms
“a bastion of male chauvinism”
synonyms: jingoism, excessive patriotism, blind patriotism, excessive nationalism, sectarianism, isolationism, flag-waving; xenophobia, racism, ethnocentrism, ethnocentricity; partisanship, partiality, prejudice, bias, discrimination, bigotry; male chauvinism, antifeminism, misogyny, sexism
“they have a tendency toward small-mindedness and chauvinism”

 

I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.

 

I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.

 

To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.

 

That sounds like chivalry to me.

 

Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.

 

It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?

 

Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people.
I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.

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On the Side: Making Extra Money – Part 3

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Sell Everything

Dave Ramsey talks about getting out of debt by selling everything that isn’t nailed down.
Debt might not be your rationale about making more money, but there are certainly ways you could turn the junk sitting around your house into extra cash.

1. Facebook – Sell in local garage sale groups / Facebook Marketplace
2. Online Selling Apps – there are a number of apps for selling. Letgo, VarageSale, and more.

  1. Craigslist or other local classified sites
  2. Ebay / Amazon – This takes a little more skill, but you can make money selling your junk on these sites.

 

This doesn’t include an old fashioned garage sale. Just put it out on a table and toss a price sticker on it. If it is sitting around unused, why not liquidate it, and put that cash back into what you need?

 

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On the Side: Making Extra Money – Part 2

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Monetize your hobby

 

Growing up, my father had a hobby that paid. He was a professional birthday clown. He still is, though he has slowed down these days.

Dad was passionate about clowning, and learned the skill well. He practiced making balloons and telling jokes and simple magic tricks. I would come home from school to a house full of animal balloons, while he worked on new designs.

For dad, clowning was fun. But it also gave extra cash for the family. He would often pick us up after a job and take us out for dinner (still dressed in his clown suit.)

Your hobby most likely isn’t clowning, but I have to ask, are you able to monetize it?

Many hobbies, golf, shooting, four wheeling, etc, may cost quite a bit for men to participate. That doesn’t mean they are worthless hobbies! If you enjoy it and it adds value to your life, that’s fine! But I do want you to consider how you can create a hobby that can make money.

Do you like to make things? Wood Furniture, Leatherworking, Paracord Bracelets

Do you like to create? Painting, Graphic Design, Music,

Do you like to work outside? Landscaping, Gardening, Carpentry


Any number of hobbies could be turned into a way to make a little money. If you like golf, and are good at it – you could teach a course, or coach a student club! If you like hiking orhunting, you could take the inexperienced out to explore.

Take a minute in the comments to tell me what your hobby is, and we can discuss how you can monetize it!

hustle and flow, money, manhood

On the Side: Making Extra Money – Part 1

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Passive Income is Best

In the old days, one average salary could feed, shelter, clothe, and entertain a family. Today though, inflation, corruption, and financial mismanagement have put us in a position where we often find ourselves in pursuit of more “hustle” to make ends meet. Many families have two or three jobs just to cover basic expenses.

I’m no financial guru, and while my own income streams are still growing, I have studied and researched much about how to create a side hustle to make residual passive income.

 

What is passive income?

Passive income comes from royalties, rents, dividends, or residuals. You work up front or invest, and over time, your investment pays you back.

Investopedia says:

Earnings an individual derives from a ren​tal property, limited partnership or other enterprise in which he or she is not materially involved. As with non-passive income, passive income is usually taxable; however it is often treated differently by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS).

 

What would that passive income look like for you?

1. Rental properties – If you have some cash to invest in rental properties, and enough to keep up the properties, you can make enough to pay for your investment, and then make a profit.

2. Royalties – If you write a book, record music, and sell it, either through self-publishing, or a publisher or record label – you can collect income each month from that source.

3. Investments – investing cash in a mutual fund, or even riskier stocks can bring you dividends each month.

 

  1. Online business – this could be many things. Often, people create products to sell – they could be real tangible items, virtual courses, subscription services, or more.

 

Passive income is not free and easy money – it does take work, time, and investment to build these sources – but they can pay off later with minimal maintenance, if done well.

Ultimately, my goal is to generate a full time income from passive income. I’d like to be able to “retire” from working to build someone else’s dream, and work 100 percent building my own. I’m not there yet, but we’re headed there!
I highly recommend following Pat Flynn at Smart Passive income for some ideas on how to make it happen for you!

masculinity and marriage

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 5

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Thank and Affirm Her.


Use your words. Say what you think and feel about her. I don’t know why this is so difficult for many men to do – but it’s essential to building a good relationship.

She needs to hear, “Thank you.” How often?
You can never say it enough.

She needs to hear, “You are beautiful.” How often?
You can never say it enough.

There are many things unique to your wife that she needs to hear, and I’ll leave that up to you to decode and decipher her. But I can tell you that almost every woman I’ve ever met struggles with self-image, self-worth, self-doubt issues. I think it’s safe to say that it’s a common thing women struggle with.

As a husband, your responsibility is to build her up. To affirm her. To use your words to reassure, comfort, and back her up.

I would talk about the negative things we say – when we cut down, criticize, and tear her apart with our comments – but honestly, that’s another discussion entirely. All that I will say is to stop. If you have constructive advice or concerns – you need to wrap that in love. For every legitimate criticism, you should have already given her five to ten compliments.

sex love and marriage and masculinity

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 4

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Listen to her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like the guy in this video.
Women are a mystery. I know it may be overgeneralization to say this – so apply whatever amount of common sense is needed to understand it.

Women don’t want you to fix their problem, as much as they want to feel understood, acknowledged, or listened to.

There are times, obviously, when what she really wants is for you to fix the drain under the kitchen sink.

But there are many times, she just needs to air her grievances to her best friend. She doesn’t want you to solve or fix the problem, but to listen to her.

This is hard for us. Men are fixers. It’s in our nature as men to find broken things and fix them.
Women do want things to be fixed. But more importantly, they just want to be heard, understood, loved, accepted.

It may seem counter-intuitive and self-sabotaging to sit in that situation, where she pours her heart out, and you just listen.

 

You would not think that it is difficult, but learning to listen has been one of the toughest challenges of my relationship with my wife. I’ve always got a solution, and answer, a suggestion. Keeping those quiet long enough to fulfill her actual need, though, the need to be heard and understood – that’s the real challenge.