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June 28 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 5

Thank and Affirm Her.

Use your words. Say what you think and feel about her. I don’t know why this is so difficult for many men to do – but it’s essential to building a good relationship.

She needs to hear, “Thank you.” How often?
You can never say it enough.

She needs to hear, “You are beautiful.” How often?
You can never say it enough.

There are many things unique to your wife that she needs to hear, and I’ll leave that up to you to decode and decipher her. But I can tell you that almost every woman I’ve ever met struggles with self-image, self-worth, self-doubt issues. I think it’s safe to say that it’s a common thing women struggle with.

As a husband, your responsibility is to build her up. To affirm her. To use your words to reassure, comfort, and back her up.

I would talk about the negative things we say – when we cut down, criticize, and tear her apart with our comments – but honestly, that’s another discussion entirely. All that I will say is to stop. If you have constructive advice or concerns – you need to wrap that in love. For every legitimate criticism, you should have already given her five to ten compliments.

June 27 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 4

Listen to her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like the guy in this video.
Women are a mystery. I know it may be overgeneralization to say this – so apply whatever amount of common sense is needed to understand it.

Women don’t want you to fix their problem, as much as they want to feel understood, acknowledged, or listened to.

There are times, obviously, when what she really wants is for you to fix the drain under the kitchen sink.

But there are many times, she just needs to air her grievances to her best friend. She doesn’t want you to solve or fix the problem, but to listen to her.

This is hard for us. Men are fixers. It’s in our nature as men to find broken things and fix them.
Women do want things to be fixed. But more importantly, they just want to be heard, understood, loved, accepted.

It may seem counter-intuitive and self-sabotaging to sit in that situation, where she pours her heart out, and you just listen.

You would not think that it is difficult, but learning to listen has been one of the toughest challenges of my relationship with my wife. I’ve always got a solution, and answer, a suggestion. Keeping those quiet long enough to fulfill her actual need, though, the need to be heard and understood – that’s the real challenge.

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June 20 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 3

Serve her.

This, is perhaps the hardest part of love. Men, we see ourselves as leaders. (Which isn’t a bad thing. We’ll get to leadership, and what that means in a minute.) We see ourselves as lovers, we see ourselves in so many ways, but picturing ourselves as servants is so difficult.
The truth? No matter where you are in live, you’re a servant to someone.

To quote, Bob Dylan, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody. It may be the Devil, it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”

In the case of marriage, you’re either serving yourself, or you are serving her.
Are you helping her with chores around the house? Are you providing for her needs? Are you doing things that help her? Are you making sure to please her first in the bedroom? (C’mon guys. You know that matters!)

If you want a happy wife, you’ve got to take on the role of a servant. It will make you a great husband. A happy husband. And if you do it well, and if you do it right, she’ll reciprocate.
Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Marriage - Masculinity - Manhood, Manlihood

June 13 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 2

Study her.

How well do you know her? I know that now that my wife and I are approaching the time in our life when we’ve been together longer than apart, I know her well. Very well. I can walk in the room, and without a word, I can tell what she’s thinking, or how she’s feeling. (Not always, of course – women, after all, are always mysterious and surprising sometimes.)

As we get older, this relationship changes and morphs. It’s not just physical or emotional. It’s spiritual.

I am not saying we are a perfect example – we frustrate each other and annoy each other all the time. But I can tell you that for almost 20 years, I’ve studied her.

When we were dating – we started out asking each other questions. When we were engaged, we read books together about marriage -and went through THREE different premarital counseling courses. We knew we were getting married young and making what everyone else thought was a bad decision – so we wanted to make sure we were well equipped to face it.

So we started off with a really strong foundation.

As we have progressed in our relationship – I’ve always tried to be attentive to her. She thinks I don’t pay attention – but I do. Sometimes I choose NOT to do the thing that she wants me to do – for any number of reasons. But in general, I want to KNOW this woman I married.

In the bedroom, I know what she likes.
In the kitchen, I know what she likes.

If you want to know how to study and learn your wife, I highly recommend you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” as a starting place.

It breaks down the different ways that people love, and it will help you understand her, and how to communicate with her.

June 6 2017

Love Your Wife More Than You Love Yourself – Part 1

Balance the Old Fashioned ways with freedom and respect.

Sometime during the last cultural revolution, a number of ancient truths have been tossed aside. Losing some old and antiquated ideas may have been good for our culture in some ways- but in others, we’ve lost some of the ancient wisdom that held our society together.
Marriage may seem like an old fashioned idea. I’ve heard it described as “a contract for female slavery” and “a ridiculous old fashioned idea.”

I want to make it clear that I’m admittedly old fashioned about this. I’m proud of it and unapologetic. That doesn’t mean I’m judgmental of those who do things differently.

But I firmly believe that while marriage is old fashioned, it’s also not meant to place women in a lower or lesser place.

Marriage is meant to be a union of two people. Do I think there is a natural authority of husband and father in a home? Yes. But that authority and leadership does not imply inequality.

If you want to love your wife well, then you need to not have a “Leave it to Beaver” June Cleaver definition in your mind of what’s expected of her. Especially in today’s culture, when women work outside the home – don’t demand that she be your house servant as well. Cooking and cleaning are not just women’s work. We all have to chip in. If she is a stay at home wife, it may seem fair to ask her to do more than a wife who is working outside the home as much as you are. But make sure that any expectations you have are communicated and worked out together, not demanded, solely because she’s a woman.

The old fashioned part about marriage that I love – is that it’s about commitment. Life long commitment.

Your wedding vows were not “until I don’t feel like it anymore.”
No – those vows were, “till death do us part.”

I understand that sometimes circumstances arise that change things, that make it difficult, that make it hard.

But make sure that for everything in your power, you do everything possible to honor that commitment. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t make excuses. Just choose to honor your commitment.

April 25 2017

Sprung: Reinvigorate Your Life – Reimagine your situation

The winter is in your mind.
You know those times when everything has gone WRONG for so long, and you feel like you just can’t get a win? When you’re tired of just going through the motions? When you feel weary from the road?

Take a minute and fast forward to your desired outcome. What does your life look like if you were to lose the weight? What does your marriage look like if you fix the problems? What do your kids look like when they grow up?

Try not to imagine the worst case scenario, but the best one. Then trace your steps back to where you are standing. What steps do you have to make to get there? What changes do you have to make? What sacrifices and hard work will you have to put in?

These rough patches sometimes feel permanent -but they usually aren’t. Especially if you are taking the time to imagine a better path, and to make the changes and put in the work to get there.

April 18 2017

Sprung: Reinvigorate Your Life – Reignite your Spirit

Spring is in the air. The smell of mud and the opening of tree buds just seems to wake up not only the world outside our windows, but it seems to awaken something in us.

Men, let’s take advantage of the natural cycle of the universe to reinvigorate our lives!

Many men have a hard time with the spiritual. They struggle with the idea that spirit exists. Why? Because it’s not knowable. It’s not tangible. And talk of the spiritual gets muddied up by 18 million different religious viewpoints.

I may subscribe to one of those viewpoints, and I’m sure my writing will reflect it. But I’m not here to preach about why my viewpoint is right and others are wrong. (even if I do believe so)

What I’m here to do – is to tell you that the spiritual is real, and you’ve got to keep that fire going. Inside each of us is a spirit that drives us. It’s fueled by creativity, art, poetry, beauty. It’s fueled by thought, conversation, reading.

If you neglect the spiritual part of you, the rest of you will feel hungry for purpose and passion.

How do you reignite it, after a long “winter”?

1. Do what makes you feel alive.
I’m not saying, “ do whatever you want” or “just make yourself happy”
I’m saying, there are moments in your life when you felt alive. For me – it’s often when I’m performing music on stage, speaking to a large group of people, hiking in the woods, or writing. You might feel alive tossing the football in the backyard, hunting that big buck, or building a house. Take some time to identify what makes you feel alive – and do more of it.

2. Define or revisit your code.
Spirituality has a code of ethics. That’s why religion usually has a list of do’s and don’ts…. Because morality is closely tied with the spiritual. I know. People don’t like to think about it. I’ve already lost some of you – who can’t handle the fact that anyone would dare tell you to be moral. Take the time to define your code of ethics, or to revisit that code to make sure it lines up with who you are.

3. Try something new.
2016 was a crazy year for me. I started a new desk job, gained a bunch of weight, and neglected a number of things. I decided one day that I was sick of it and needed to change things. So I started doing and discovering things I didn’t think I could do. I hiked six miles. I lost 40 pounds. I tried on a sweatshirt that I could never wear and it fit. I ice-skated at my daughter’s birthday party. I emceed a major event (in a tux). It was just an amazing year after I decided to do new things. It made me feel like I had awakened. 2017 is shaping up even better.

April 11 2017

Sprung: Reinvigorate Your Life – Reboot your Body

I’m in the process of losing weight – and so I’m particularly aware of my body right now.
But i do know this – our bodies do respond to the seasons! During the winter time, it’s not unusual to pack on a few extra pounds, as we fight off the cold and are often less active.

A reboot in the spring is a great way to get things moving, and add a little more energy into your life as a whole.

I’ve found that adding movement to my routine helps me to fight off depression, keeps my focus on track, and just in general, makes me feel better!

Here are some tips for your body reboot.

1. Revisit your eating plan.
If you aren’t regularly tracking your calories, tracking them at least for a few weeks gives you a good snapshot of what your diet looks like, and if you need to adjust it. Use an app like fitbit or myfitness pal to see how many calories you should be eating, and how many you are eating. Remember – if weight loss is your goal, you have to burn more than you take in. If you want to bulk up- you’ll need to make adjustments to your diet as well. Consider paying a few bucks to meet with a nutritionist.

2. Fasting
This isn’t for everybody – but many people say that a three day fast from solid food, or maybe fasting from a particular kind of food for a week helps them to reset their cravings. There are some mental and spiritual benefits too, as the act of delaying your cravings tends to build a different layer of focus in your life. Don’t try this if you have any health issues, or without talking to a doctor.

3. Change your workout.
Fitness folks call them “plateaus” – those times when you stop losing weight (or stop building muscle) despite all your hard work. Sometimes, you need to radically change your routine to shock your body back into performance mode.
I’ve found in general, if I do the same thing all the time, I get bored with it anyway.
Take a hike instead of the treadmill. Swim instead of yoga. Mix up your strength training to try something different.

March 14 2017

New book on Amazon!

Josh Hatcher has published a new book on Amazon! It’s a book of “manly” poems. You should definitely check it out!

While you’re there, make sure you snag these books too!

January 3 2017

Resolute: Make a lifelong resolution (Part 1)

Every New Year, talk of resolutions start surfacing. In this blog series, we’ll identify what it takes to make a fresh start, and to resolve to change your life permanently.

You may look at me and see a fat man who has wasted way to much money on orange cheese puffs and Mountain Dew. You’re probably right. Every year, I make the resolution that I’ll get healthy, and every year I try and fail. So far, in the past several months, I’ve been on a roll and making progress.

Manlihood contributor, Justin Willoughby lost 600 pounds. He’s not only my personal fitness coach and friend, but he’s helping to inspire many people to think beyond a New Year’s resolution.

When it comes to fitness, he’ll tell you – it’s got to be a lifelong commitment to change.

And I know from experience in other areas of my life, that this truth rings and resonates to the core of everything.

Whatever it is that you want to change this year – whatever part of your life that needs a reboot- it doesn’t work unless you resolve to make a lifelong change. As long as we view the New Year as a resolution starter, it gives us an out, because we can start over in ten months if we fail after two. I can tell you, if we’re talking about weight loss, that’s why I have probably lost the same 20 pounds 20 times!

Take some time this week to identify an area of your life that needs to change.
Your relationship with your spouse, your parenting skills, your work habits, launching a new career as a writer, becoming a more positive person – whatever it is that needs to change in your life.

Identify it.
And start meditating on what it means to change it permanently.

You don’t have to be stuck at a job you hate for the rest of your life. You don’t have to walk on eggshells because you are afraid your wife is going to leave you. You don’t have to be afraid about your kids making bad choices. You don’t have to be fat, or tired all of the time. All of those things can be fixed – but all of those things will require you to change. And change doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen just because you say it will.

It starts with aligning your head and your heart with your destination, and it finishes when you fulfill your commitment. If you want to lose weight, you can lose it – but if you don’t commit to changes for the rest of your life you’re going to be in the same place you are now. You can resolve to be a better husband, but if you fall back into the same patterns of behavior, you’ll find yourself in the doghouse again.

It’s not just about changing behavior, it’s about changing your lifestyle.

That starts in your mind, and flows out from there – but change requires commitment, or you will always return to your old self by default.