In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the problem with “the blame game.”
The Blame Game is a destructive mindset that we all play from time to time. It’s an inneffective way to process any scenario, and we’ve got to level up our understanding, and put things in the proper perspective.
Blame looks for someone to punish Blame doesn’t fix the problem. Blame focuses more on shame than restoration.
Responsibility doesn’t care “Whose Fault?” Responsibility focuses on the fix. Responsibility restores.
Don’t blame, take responsibility. It doesn’t matter whose fault.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Stop playing the blame game. Replace it with taking responsibility
The buck stops here. You are the only one who can change you. And you are the only one you can change.
As a man you are a leader – that means even more responsibility.
“any team, in any organization, all responsibility for success and failure rests with the leader. The leader must own everything in his or her world. There is no one else to blame. The leader must acknowledge mistakes and admit failures, take ownership of them, and develop a plan to win.”
“Implementing Extreme Ownership requires checking your ego and operating with a high degree of humility. Admitting mistakes, taking ownership, and developing a plan to overcome challenges are integral to any successful team.”
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be a gentleman.
What it means to be a gentleman
The word gentleman has more connotations than it does definitions. It is important to clearly define what it means to be a gentleman, and to rid our minds of the mixed up messages we have often attached to the word.
I remember as a boy, well-meaning women teachers would use the word “gentlemen” to try to convince a class full of rowdy boys to sit still and be quiet.
Some boys, enthralled by the compliment of being referred to as “men” compiled. Most boys, offended at being called “gentle” didn’t comply.
I was often in the second category.
The word also conjures a cartoonish picture of a gentlemen of the Victorian era, in suit and bow tie, with a monocle and his hair parted in the middle.
He is not Popeye, Fred Flintstone or Yosemite Sam. He isn’t heroic or strong. He responds to tough circumstances with fear, or at best, really bad boxing form.
To this caricature, being gentle means being week.
To be a gentleman is not about being proper or mannered, or pedigreed or less likely to fight.
To be a gentlemen means to have honor… we give things and people the proper value, and treat them in a way that shows honor to their value.
That means showing courtesy and politeness when it matters.
That means showing respect where it is due.
That means treating people with kindness, and in some cases tenderness.
It also means defending that honor when sometime shows dishonor.
To be a gentleman is a choice to live in a way that shows honor, and return then deserves honor.
Chivalry is not Chauvinism
Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.
chiv·al·ry
the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively.
the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
Chau·vin·ism
exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one’s own cause, group, or gender.
I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.
I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.
To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.
That sounds like chivalry to me.
Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.
It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?
Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people.
I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.
Moderated Ferocity
Gentle should never mean weak.
Erase that image from your head, and make sure to erase it from the minds of those around you.
I’ll never forget wrestling with my father when I was a boy and even a young man. My dad had some military training, some martial arts training, and years of brawling and fighting behind him. He was stronger than any man I knew.
He definitely showed that strength while we rolled around in the living room floor. He could have crushed my head, snapped a bone, or really seriously hurt me. But he didn’t. He was gentle.
Being gentle is not being weak. It is moderating and controlling strength.
The Allegheny River flowed through our backyard. We were twenty miles from the source, so some would have called it a creek. A very deep swimming hole right on our backyard used to draw young people from town who wanted to cool off in the brown water.
Many of those young people were very disrespectful to my dad’s property, and to my dad himself. He would hear kids cussing or fighting, or catch kids littering or even driving or drugging, and would walk down the river and set them straight. I watched boys and girls day things to my dad that should have been greeted with a smack to the face. But he always kept his cool. He would very firmly ask them to leave. If his eyes got fiery, those kids would scatter. Once in awhile, a young man would need to be physically removed. Dad had the strength and knowledge to cause serious harm. He never did.
That’s gentleness. That’s a gentleman. In control of his strength.
Courtesy and Kindness Go a long way
As men, we long to be known for our strength, or ruggedness. If we are not particularly strong, we may have shifted that to a desire to be known for our intellect or creativity. Either way, what each of us want, is supremacy. We want to be the best. We want to be the smartest. In fact, we often lie to ourselves very subtly, to tell ourselves that we are the best and most important person in the room. Even those who may take up the mantle to fight for the downtrodden seem to share this character trait. You see it from the Twitter feed of “social justice warriors” and even the old men swapping fish stories at the corner store over coffee. It’s human nature to put ourselves at the center of our own world.
A gentlemen shows a great that butts against this. Courtesy. Kindness.
To put someone else’s needs ahead of our own clashes with our own inner beast. And it often inspires the same response in others!
Let me challenge you directly, men. There are others who are smarter and stronger. And even those who are weaker and not as smart that need you to defer to them sometimes. They need you to step up and show kindness, politeness.
There are people that just need a smile, a laugh, a friend.
They might need you to offer a helping hand, or even make a sacrifice to help meet a bigger need.
I believe showing kindness goes against human nature, which is about self. Kindness though is built in is too… it’s built in because we are made in the image of God.
Let us never forget the kindness others have shown us, and let us live indebted to pay it forward in acts of love and service
Of Courtship and Flowerpicking
TRIGGER WARNING: I’m about to talk about old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t listen if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, listen anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.
Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.
Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you.
I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.
I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.
I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached.
I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.
I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework.
When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her.
He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT.
If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint.
I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control.
That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently.
Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such.
No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!
Remember, men, gentle does not mean weak. To be a gentleman means to be a man in control of himself.
Spring is in the air. The smell of mud and the opening of tree buds just seems to wake up not only the world outside our windows, but it seems to awaken something in us.
Men, let’s take advantage of the natural cycle of the universe to reinvigorate our lives!
Start by refreshing your mind.
1. Read Books. Are there books that would help you to break through any particular areas of your life? Any information that you need to learn?
To refresh your mind, I recommend reading a book of fiction – something exciting and adventurous. Something non-fiction – maybe self-help, or a biography of someone you admire. And read a book of poetry! You might not be a poetry person – but I think there’s value in the rhymes and rhythms.
2. Take inventory. Examine your attitude. Examine your behaviors. Examine your influences. What things need to change? Make a physical list of things to change, and start making it happen.
3. Get aggressive. If you notice that you have been negative – make it a point to fight against the negative thoughts, replacing them with positive thoughts. Make a concerted effort to practice rebuking each bad thought. (out loud, if you have to!) “No. I will not think like this way!”
Reboot Your Body
I’m in the process of losing weight – and so I’m particularly aware of my body right now.
But i do know this – our bodies do respond to the seasons! During the winter time, it’s not unusual to pack on a few extra pounds, as we fight off the cold and are often less active.
A reboot in the spring is a great way to get things moving, and add a little more energy into your life as a whole.
I’ve found that adding movement to my routine helps me to fight off depression, keeps my focus on track, and just in general, makes me feel better!
Here are some tips for your body reboot.
1. Revisit your eating plan.
If you aren’t regularly tracking your calories, tracking them at least for a few weeks gives you a good snapshot of what your diet looks like, and if you need to adjust it. Use an app like fitbit or myfitness pal to see how many calories you should be eating, and how many you are eating. Remember – if weight loss is your goal, you have to burn more than you take in. If you want to bulk up- you’ll need to make adjustments to your diet as well. Consider paying a few bucks to meet with a nutritionist.
2. Fasting
This isn’t for everybody – but many people say that a three day fast from solid food, or maybe fasting from a particular kind of food for a week helps them to reset their cravings. There are some mental and spiritual benefits too, as the act of delaying your cravings tends to build a different layer of focus in your life. Don’t try this if you have any health issues, or without talking to a doctor.
3. Change your workout.
Fitness folks call them “plateaus” – those times when you stop losing weight (or stop building muscle) despite all your hard work. Sometimes, you need to radically change your routine to shock your body back into performance mode.
I’ve found in general, if I do the same thing all the time, I get bored with it anyway.
Take a hike instead of the treadmill. Swim instead of yoga. Mix up your strength training to try something different.
Reimagine Your Situation
The winter is in your mind.
You know those times when everything has gone WRONG for so long, and you feel like you just can’t get a win? When you’re tired of just going through the motions? When you feel weary from the road?
Take a minute and fast forward to your desired outcome. What does your life look like if you were to lose the weight? What does your marriage look like if you fix the problems? What do your kids look like when they grow up?
Try not to imagine the worst case scenario, but the best one. Then trace your steps back to where you are standing. What steps do you have to make to get there? What changes do you have to make? What sacrifices and hard work will you have to put in?
These rough patches sometimes feel permanent -but they usually aren’t. Especially if you are taking the time to imagine a better path, and to make the changes and put in the work to get there.
Reignite Your Spirit
Many men have a hard time with the spiritual. They struggle with the idea that spirit exists. Why? Because it’s not knowable. It’s not tangible. And talk of the spiritual gets muddied up by 18 million different religious viewpoints.
I may subscribe to one of those viewpoints, and I’m sure my writing will reflect it. But I’m not here to preach about why my viewpoint is right and others are wrong. (even if I do believe so)
What I’m here to do – is to tell you that the spiritual is real, and you’ve got to keep that fire going. Inside each of us is a spirit that drives us. It’s fueled by creativity, art, poetry, beauty. It’s fueled by thought, conversation, reading.
If you neglect the spiritual part of you, the rest of you will feel hungry for purpose and passion.
How do you reignite it, after a long “winter”?
1. Do what makes you feel alive.
I’m not saying, “ do whatever you want” or “just make yourself happy”
I’m saying, there are moments in your life when you felt alive. For me – it’s often when I’m performing music on stage, speaking to a large group of people, hiking in the woods, or writing. You might feel alive tossing the football in the backyard, hunting that big buck, or building a house. Take some time to identify what makes you feel alive – and do more of it.
2. Define or revisit your code.
Spirituality has a code of ethics. That’s why religion usually has a list of do’s and don’ts…. Because morality is closely tied with the spiritual. I know. People don’t like to think about it. I’ve already lost some of you – who can’t handle the fact that anyone would dare tell you to be moral. Take the time to define your code of ethics, or to revisit that code to make sure it lines up with who you are.
3. Try something new.
Stepping outside of your comfort zone, and doing something NEW can give you a fresh perspective, and open you up to seeing things from a spiritual perspective. I think the thrill of pushing yourself a little harder, coupled with the rewards of a calculated risk can often help you see things in a new light.
Spring is here. It’s time for a renewal. Why not take this time to renew yourself as well?
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us how to love our wives more than we love ourself.
Balance the Old Fashioned ways with freedom and respect.
Sometime during the last cultural revolution, a number of ancient truths have been tossed aside. Losing some old and antiquated ideas may have been good for our culture in some ways- but in others, we’ve lost some of the ancient wisdom that held our society together.
Marriage may seem like an old fashioned idea. I’ve heard it described as “a contract for female slavery” and “a ridiculous old fashioned idea.”
I want to make it clear that I’m admittedly old fashioned about this. I’m proud of it and unapologetic. That doesn’t mean I’m judgmental of those who do things differently.
But I firmly believe that while marriage is old fashioned, it’s also not meant to place women in a lower or lesser place.
Marriage is meant to be a union of two people. Do I think there is a natural authority of husband and father in a home? Yes. But that authority and leadership does not imply inequality.
If you want to love your wife well, then you need to not have a “Leave it to Beaver” June Cleaver definition in your mind of what’s expected of her. Especially in today’s culture, when women work outside the home – don’t demand that she be your house servant as well. Cooking and cleaning are not just women’s work. We all have to chip in. If she is a stay at home wife, it may seem fair to ask her to do more than a wife who is working outside the home as much as you are. But make sure that any expectations you have are communicated and worked out together, not demanded, solely because she’s a woman.
The old fashioned part about marriage that I love – is that it’s about commitment. Life long commitment.
Your wedding vows were not “until I don’t feel like it anymore.” No – those vows were, “till death do us part.”
I understand that sometimes circumstances arise that change things, that make it difficult, that make it hard.
But make sure that for everything in your power, you do everything possible to honor that commitment. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t make excuses. Just choose to honor your commitment.
Study her.
How well do you know her? I know that now that my wife and I are approaching the time in our life when we’ve been together longer than apart, I know her well. Very well. I can walk in the room, and without a word, I can tell what she’s thinking, or how she’s feeling. (Not always, of course – women, after all, are always mysterious and surprising sometimes.)
As we get older, this relationship changes and morphs. It’s not just physical or emotional. It’s spiritual.
I am not saying we are a perfect example – we frustrate each other and annoy each other all the time. But I can tell you that for almost 20 years, I’ve studied her.
When we were dating – we started out asking each other questions. When we were engaged, we read books together about marriage -and went through THREE different premarital counseling courses. We knew we were getting married young and making what everyone else thought was a bad decision – so we wanted to make sure we were well equipped to face it.
So we started off with a really strong foundation.
As we have progressed in our relationship – I’ve always tried to be attentive to her. She thinks I don’t pay attention – but I do. Sometimes I choose NOT to do the thing that she wants me to do – for any number of reasons. But in general, I want to KNOW this woman I married.
In the bedroom, I know what she likes.
In the kitchen, I know what she likes.
If you want to know how to study and learn your wife, I highly recommend you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” as a starting place.
It breaks down the different ways that people love, and it will help you understand her, and how to communicate with her.
Serve her.
This, is perhaps the hardest part of love. Men, we see ourselves as leaders. (Which isn’t a bad thing. We’ll get to leadership, and what that means in a minute.) We see ourselves as lovers, we see ourselves in so many ways, but picturing ourselves as servants is so difficult.
The truth? No matter where you are in live, you’re a servant to someone.
To quote, Bob Dylan, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody. It may be the Devil, it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”
In the case of marriage, you’re either serving yourself, or you are serving her.
Are you helping her with chores around the house? Are you providing for her needs? Are you doing things that help her? Are you making sure to please her first in the bedroom? (C’mon guys. You know that matters!)
If you want a happy wife, you’ve got to take on the role of a servant. It will make you a great husband. A happy husband. And if you do it well, and if you do it right, she’ll reciprocate.
Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. ― Martin Luther King Jr.
Listen to her.
Women are a mystery. I know it may be overgeneralization to say this – so apply whatever amount of common sense is needed to understand it.
Women don’t want you to fix their problem, as much as they want to feel understood, acknowledged, or listened to.
There are times, obviously, when what she really wants is for you to fix the drain under the kitchen sink.
But there are many times, she just needs to air her grievances to her best friend. She doesn’t want you to solve or fix the problem, but to listen to her.
This is hard for us. Men are fixers. It’s in our nature as men to find broken things and fix them.
Women do want things to be fixed. But more importantly, they just want to be heard, understood, loved, accepted.
It may seem counterintuitive and self-sabotaging to sit in that situation, where she pours her heart out, and you just listen.
You would not think that it is difficult, but learning to listen has been one of the toughest challenges of my relationship with my wife. I’ve always got a solution, and answer, a suggestion. Keeping those quiet long enough to fulfill her actual need, though, the need to be heard and understood – that’s the real challenge.
Thank and Affirm Her.
Use your words. Say what you think and feel about her. I don’t know why this is so difficult for many men to do – but it’s essential to building a good relationship.
She needs to hear, “Thank you.” How often? You can never say it enough.
She needs to hear, “You are beautiful.” How often? You can never say it enough.
There are many things unique to your wife that she needs to hear, and I’ll leave that up to you to decode and decipher her. But I can tell you that almost every woman I’ve ever met struggles with self-image, self-worth, self-doubt issues. I think it’s safe to say that it’s a common thing women struggle with.
As a husband, your responsibility is to build her up. To affirm her. To use your words to reassure, comfort, and back her up.
I would talk about the negative things we say – when we cut down, criticize, and tear her apart with our comments – but honestly, that’s another discussion entirely. All that I will say is to stop. If you have constructive advice or concerns – you need to wrap that in love. For every legitimate criticism, you should have already given her five to ten compliments.
Ultimately, men, the key component is understanding that love is a long series of small intentional choices and actions. It’s not warm and fuzzy feelings. You don’t “fall out of love” – you just stop tending it properly, and it gets choked out. So treat it like a garden, manicured, weeded, watered, and it will bear fruit.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to wake your inner grizzly.
Nature itself is going through a reset – the days are getting longer, the flowers and buds are forming on the trees, and mammalian creatures as awakening from their winter slumber.
As spring nears, you may find yourself still a little groggy from winter, and your inner grizzly may need some awakening.
Men, let’s look at how we can shake off the winter sleep and get ourselves ready to growl, eat fish, and maul hikers… err… something.
Get your head straight
It’s time to realign your mind, and shake yourself awake.
1. Make a reading list.
If you don’t normally read, find a book or audio book and make it a point to read it or listen to it Pick something different than your normal fare… try some poetry, or non-fiction, or sci-fi. Read something you wouldn’t normally have read.
2. Take a video game fast.
Delete Candy Crush from your phone. Turn off the PS4. Put it away for a week or a month to try to get yourself tuned in to your surroundings. If you want to play a game – pick up a deck of cards and learn a new card game – or engage your buddies in a game of chess or Risk.
3. Listen to some new music. Something you’ve never heard before. It stirs up the soul, and gets you thinking.
4. Write some letters.
Not just emails. Drag out the paper and pen, and write someone an old fashioned letter. Maybe an old friend, mentor, or teacher – and let them know how much they meant to you.
5. Learn a new skill.
Is there something you don’t know that you want to know? Can you watch a youtube tutorial? Read a book? Take a class? Do something to expand your mind.
6. Practice some already acquired skills.
Maybe a little target practice with your pistol, or a few hours of banjo playing to hone those skills you already have.
Wake your inner grizzly by stimulating that big ole’ grizzly head.
Get Your Body Straight
People may look at me and say, you’re overweight. Don’t talk to me about getting healthy. I’ll say this – the past year has been amazing for me, as I’ve made some massive changes that have literally changed my mass.
Whether you are a fat old grizzly, or a svelt young grizzly – we can all benefit by taking some time to get our body moving, and to eat better.
But we all know what it takes to get healthy. Eat right. Move more. That’s going to look different from one of us to the next. But the basic mechanics are the same. When you do these things, you feel better. You are stronger. You are slimmer. You are a better version of you.
What ARE you going to do to give your body some attention? Weight training? Cardio? What are you eating that you should stop eating?
Take some time to talk to your doctor, a personal trainer, or someone to help you come up with a plan to improve your physical fitness.
Get your inner grizzly turned into a force to be reckoned with.
Don’t Take No for an answer
Men, don’t be an opossum. When an opossum sees a threat, they hiss, and then they lay down and pretend to be dead. No – if we are going to wake our hibernating grizzlies, we need to shake off that passivity – and make a stand.
Don’t take “No” for an answer. Obviously – there are times that “no” is perfectly appropriate – but in general – don’t let an obstacle or a hardship, turn you back.
1. Be determined.
Once you know what you are supposed to do, you need to go get it. Don’t let car trouble keep you from showing up to work on your first day on the job. Don’t let your fatigue or weariness
or anything try to push you back in the cave.
2. Be consistent.
The biggest obstacle in your life is always going to be you. So when you commit to do something – do it. Don’t waver, don’t quit, don’t stop doing it. So often, we work hard, and we quit just before the payoff.
3. Think differently.
They say, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.”
If you want to grab ahold of your success in your grubby little grizzly claws, you need to think outside the box, and to do something differently.
Fuel up on Food For the Soul
Your grizzly doesn’t need normal. He doesn’t want to be a “kept bear”… he’s wild, and he’s aggressive, and he’s dangerous. It’s up to you to channel that energy into the right places, if you want to grab a hold of your success.
We know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day… and as you are awakening your inner grizzly from his coma – you’ve got to make sure he’s got the right fuel to start his spring.
We aren’t talking about nuts, berries, or small game here… we’re talking about feeding your soul.
If you want to wake up the grizzly inside, you’ve got to make sure to provide the right kind of fuel.
What are you watching? What are you reading? What are you listening to?
I believe that if you want to wake up and be ready to face the world, your media consumption matters. Are you fueling up on junk food, or are you taking in the right calories?
I’d encourage you to listen to music that uplifts you, or helps charge you up. Read books, magazines, blogs, etc, that help you improve in the areas you need to improve. Fiction? Entertainment? Sure – if it’s something that builds you up, charges you up emotionally, or challenges you to grow. If your media consumption is like a drug to numb you- you might want to reevaluate what you are putting in your soul.
Find Your Roar
Every young grizzly must find his roar…. that guttural howl and growl that shows his ferocity and strength. If he’s been hibernating, he may have to find it again.
Your roar is your confidence. You may have forgotten just what it is you’re capable of… You may have been asleep, and put on a few pounds of winter fat. (or even more than a few)
You may have been pushed around, ignored, or let go.
You might be on the bottom rung. You might be tuned out and turned off.
But the truth is – you are made fiercely. You are made strong, and made brave. You’ve been made with talents, and you’ve developed skills. You are not some dog, civilized and trained. You are a stinking Grizzly. And you are strong, and you are powerful.
Embrace that power. If you have to re-identify it, then do that. But it’s there.
You might need to harness that wildness and power to build yourself up and get yourself in shape, and strengthen your resolve.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be a Gatekeeper.
Men have a special role in their families that they often neglect. There are outside forces that influence your families – and what comes into your home needs to go through you. You are the keeper of the gate – the man who determines what influences are allowed to pass through.
Media
The truth is – our culture has a number of voices shouting a number of messages – many of them are contrary to the values that we have established in our homes. I know our values are different from home to home – but I often wonder why if we have ever thought about just what those values are – and if we have thought about what an impact opposing voices can have on our values.
For example – if you have daughters, you may want them to keep their sexuality reserved for later in life. We want them to be valued for their minds, and not their bodies. We want them to see their natural beauty, and know that they aren’t supposed to be measured by what society determines is beautiful – And yet – we allow them to listen to music that is encouraging a different attitude about sexuality, and we allow them to watch movies that demean women, and we let them read magazines that reinforce false ideas about real beauty.
We raise our sons to exercise self-control – and yet we allow them to watch television shows that portray a lack of self-control as a noble thing.
Let me encourage you to be the gatekeeper in your home. Identify what truths and values you want to uphold – and limit media that contradicts this. It doesn’t mean you have to shut all media out – and some media can be countered with lots of good conversation about your values – but some things just don’t have business in your homes! Your family may HATE you for enforcing family “censorship” – but if you are careful, and if you communicate clearly, and compassionately – I think you’ll be able to smooth that out.
Mindsets
Mindsets are like fortresses. The way a person thinks will determine the life he lives.
As a gatekeeper – it’s your job to understand the way your family thinks – and to correct the attitudes that you see that are contrary to the truth, and to your values.
If your daughter says, “I am so ugly.” It’s up to you to correct that, and tell her the truth.
If your son displays a negative attitude about doing his chores – you need to correct that.
If YOU have a bad attitude – you need to correct that.
You can try to correct behavior – but long before behavior happens, a mindset happens. You can not only correct bad mindsets, but you can build good mindsets, by speaking the truth at every opportunity!
Mouths
Mindsets are not only revealed by speech and behaviors – but they are sometimes established because of them.
It’s up to you to determine which words you allow to be spoken in your home. Don’t allow your family to insult each other – or to denigrate themselves or others.
Many families have made “Shutup” or “Stupid” bad words. You might find yourself correcting your kids when they insult each other – or your spouse when she says “I can’t”….
Regardless – you need to take your role seriously as a gatekeeper – so that your home is a haven for the kind of speech that builds each other up.
Money
I’ll be honest – I’m not the greatest at numbers or managing money – but my wife and I have a system that works – and she handles most of the financial duties. We discuss it together, and we make decisions together – but we work according to our strengths to get things done.
What are your financial values? How will you spend your money? Do you have a budget? The way you manage your money will influence the way your children manage theirs. So setting an example now will make a difference later.
I’d encourage you to check out Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University, or some other similar program so that you can learn some financial management principles.
But the basic principles you should understand:
You will never have “enough” money. If you make more, you spend more. So use what you have wisely.
Live within your means. If you aren’t, you have to spend less, or make more.
Debt is expensive. It costs a LOT to borrow.
Charity reminds us to treasure what we have
Nothing is an emergency if you plan for it.
Media / Mindsets /.Mouths / Math – As the Gatekeeper in your home – all of these things have to get by you. It’s up to you to draw lines, keep the riff raff out, and to protect your family from harmful influences on the outside, and from harmful attitudes and behaviours on the inside.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the question of WHEN.
It’s really a question of when.
When to be vulnerable / when to be tough.
If you’ve listened to my other podcasts, you know I’m not a fan of the word vulnerable. I prefer authenticity. But that’s another episode, and you can go listen to it yourself.
For the sake of clarity – let’s use the use the word vulnerable.
When should you be vulnerable, and show your weaknesses, and how does that contrast to when you should steel your resolve and show your strength?
I think it’s important to have a trusted circle of people who see and know your struggles and your vulnerabilities. Even men need a friend they can cry with on a very rare occasion. You don’t have to trust EVERYBODY. But you should be working on building the kind of relationships that support your vulnerabilities. Think about a Danish Shield Wall on the battlefield. They’re all pretty exposed from behind, but they work together to fend off attackers.
Sometimes, you have to suck it up. You have to put the emotion and the weakness on the shelf, and face the battles head on.
Understanding WHEN is sometimes harder than doing it. I think the decision has to be made in a way with the people you are with in mind. Are they trustworthy? Do they have your back? Do you legitimately need help from them?
You can’t live your life as an island, portraying a false image of yourself as strong all the time. At the same time, you can’t constantly be an emotional ball of wax, melting at the slightest offense or struggle, and unable to function. (Sometimes, you just might be that. And it’s okay to ask for help. But it’s not okay to stay there.)
The answer here has more to do with who you trust and who you surround yourself with, than it does with you. When do you be tough? When you can! When do you be vulnerable? When you NEED to be, and only with those you can trust. And if you aren’t building those relationships with people – they won’t be there when you need them.
When to be quiet / when to speak up
Sometimes, the question of when has to do with when do I open my mouth to speak? When do I point out what I perceive to be true, when it seems to be none of my business?
This one is not ever easy, and the scale is sliding.
Start by measuring things within the context of relationships. Does the thing I have to say HELP someone? Does the thing I have to say HURT someone? Weigh it carefully, because sometimes it does both.
Someone is in danger – a kid, an abused spouse, etc… always say something! Someone looks ugly – probably should never say something!
Someone is correcting their kid harshly, but not abusing them… it depends on your relationship with them if you should call them out. (Definitely in private, though!)
Also – speak up in person. Not via text message. Don’t think that confronting someone over text will ever go well. It almost never does. Text doesn’t have tone. Text doesn’t have body language or eye contact, so your message can be reinterpreted differently.
While I tend to be a person who calls people on their crap, and the friend that lets the other friend know he has a booger on his face – I’ve found that in general, I need to shut up more.
You may be someone who needs to speak up more, rather than shut up. I wish I could tell you the exact answer on this one – but I’ll tell you this.
Make sure that your motivation is good. Speak because you care about people. Speak with the goal of fixing things. Speak with honesty AND love in mind.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us why LEADERSHIP isn’t a dirty word.
The word LEADERSHIP sometimes seems to have a negative connotation attached. It’s not a dirty word – and it’s a skill that can make a man and his surroundings better.
Leadership isn’t Lordship
Part of the negative connotation comes from people who have done leadership poorly. It’s important to understand that leadership is not lordship.
Leadership is a sacred privilege. It is not a right that makes one man higher and better than another. It’s a responsibility to influence people.
It’s important not to exploit our roles as leaders – so that we can lead effectively, and lead well. Too often, our positions become corrupted by selfishness, laziness, or just a lack of skill.
And skill is at the heart of leadership. We often talk of “born leaders” – and maybe some are born with a certain level of skill – but anyone can develop the skills that make a good leader.
Leading Yourself
I think that our first leadership role is to lead ourselves. Are we disciplined with our finances, our health, our time, our relationships? If not, where do we start? If so, how do we improve and take things to the next level?
I’d encourage you to make a personal development plan.
1. Identify area of your life that you know needs work.
2. Set a 1 week, 1 month, 1 quarter, 1 year, and 5 year goal for that area. Make them Specific. Write them Down. Post them in a visual place to remind yourself!
3. Identify four or five books that you will read to help you with that area.
4. Identify three or four blogs to follow that will help you.
5. Identify a mentor who seems to have success in that area – and ask them for advice. Offer to buy them lunch, and then make a list of questions to ask them.
6. Find three or four friends with a similar struggle – and meet once a week or once a month to encourage each other.
7. Evaluate your goals each time you hit those milestones, and make adjustments to stay on track!
Leading From the Backseat
Leadership is not a position. Certainly, a supervisor or a manager is expected to be a leader – but the position itself does not impart leadership.
Often, you may find yourself with a positional leader, who knows nothing about leadership. This can be a frustrating place to be – but it can also be an opportunity for you to shine.
Sometimes, leadership is working from the bottom in such a way that you can influence your coworkers (and bosses) without having that position.
Are you the guy that solves problems? Are you the guy that puts everyone in a good mood? Are you the guy that sets an example for the others? What about helping your boss give you direction?
What are some ways that you can lead from the backseat?
Leadership has Limits
Being in a leadership position is a responsibility, and a privilege. It’s about serving the people you lead, not barking orders and making them serve you.
As a leader – there are limits to your leadership.
1. Your first limit is you. You can only lead people to places you have gone. Lead Yourself, Invest in yourself.
2. You cannot have expectations without communication.
The level with which you communicate will determine the level at which you can lead. Remember that communication by definition does not exist if it does not have a transmitter and a receiver. Your mouth is your transmitter – their BRAIN is the receiver. That means you may be sending it to their ears – but if they don’t receive that communication – then it by definition – doesn’t exist. Find ways to make sure your staff can reiterate what your expectations are.
3. You cannot show disrespect.
This is a limit you cannot cross. If your staff has violated or not met your expectations – then you need to have a clear method to deal with it. “You didn’t perform X as requested. This is the consequence.” Deal with it swiftly, fairly, and honestly. Part of leadership is accepting that not everyone will like the decisions you make… but there is no room for insults, gossip, and disrespect.
4. You are limited by the amount of responsibility you are willing to take. Your success and failure IS the success and failure of your people. If your employee fails – you have failed. It’s not “their fault” for screwing up – it’s “your fault” for not providing proper training, accountability, etc. Remember that leadership BEARS the responsibility of their team.
5. You are limited by the praise you dole out.
If you are not the most positive and encouraging person on your team – then that is a limit you will hit. When success gets credited to you – it’s up to you to pass it along to your people.
Leadership really isn’t a dirty word – and I am sure you already knew that. Truth is – everyone of us has influence with someone- and leadership at its very core is influence. Let’s strive to be better leaders in all areas.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the difference between Nice and Kind.
There is a difference between being “nice” and being “kind.”
I’d rather be “kind” than be “nice.”
Kindness is intentional and outward. It takes courage to be kind. It takes action and it doesn’t always do what everyone else wants.
Niceness is passive, and receptive. It doesn’t take effort, and it doesn’t require action. It doesn’t rock the boat.
They may seem like subtle differences, but the mindset between being “nice” and being “kind” are very different.
People frequently describe me as a “nice guy.”
But I don’t think they understand the difference.
You don’t have to be a pushover. You don’t have to keep your mouth shut when someone needs to hear the truth. You don’t have to always be agreeable and compliant.
It’s okay to stand up for yourself, and others. It’s okay to fight for what’s right.
It’s also okay to treat people with kindness, and respect, and to go out of your way to smile and show love to people. This does not indicate weakness, or submission.
Finding this balance, I believe is the key that unlocks many many things.
