I sent an email to a bunch of men I respected to get their thoughts. Here’s what it said.
I’ve got a big crazy idea. Not sure what your thoughts are – or if you are interested in partnering with me on it –
But it will definitely need a TEAM to make it work.
Have you ever picked up a copy of GQ or Men’s Health? I LIKE those magazines – except they’re full of a lot of advice that isn’t exactly GOOD advice.
I’d really like to create a blog – and if you’ve received this email – it’s because I think that you have an area of expertise that could really offer a lot – and I think you’re a “manly man”. The people to whom I’ve sent this email also represent a broad scope of styles, and philosophies (while all maintaining a missional christian ethic)
I think there is a generation of “emerging” men who have no idea what it means to be a “gentleman” – in areas of business, relationships, spirituality, family, and even recreation. “Masculinity” is typically a lesson that dad’s teach sons – but I think that we could really help “define” and invest in (and even entertain) men with our insights and our unique qualifications.
Sent March 2012
It took a little over a year for that idea to turn into Manlihood.com And it’s taken six years for Manlihood to become what it is today!
Since we started, we’ve interacted with thousands of men.
We’ve seen many men reignite a passion to live as better men. And it’s brought a joy and sense of mission to my life. I’m so grateful for all of you that have read, shared, and participate in making Manlihood great!
Our Most Read Blog Posts
Looking back, we’ve had a lot of posts that have pulled in some interesting discussion, and made an impact.
So what is the Manlihood vision for personal development for men?
Here’s a look at our Manlihood Purpose / Mission / Vision / Values
Purpose:
Because the world needs men to lead in their families and communities, and because so many men have struggled to understand their value, Manlihood exists to help men become better men.
Mission:
The Manlihood Mission is to Educate, Equip, and Entertain Men in an Engaging Way.
Vision:
The Manlihood vision is to create resources to educate and equip men, to foster a thriving community of men, where bonds of brotherhood and accountability form. We seek to help men be better fathers, husbands, leaders, friends. We want to build through Manlihood a financially sustainable architecture that can support itself, but also to incubate ideas and opportunities from within the Manlihood community that support our purpose and mission.
Values:
Men matter.
Family matters.
Integrity and Honor matter.
Personal Responsibility matters. (If it is to be, it’s up to me.)
Men thrive and grow in community and brotherhood with each other.
Truth is everywhere. Wisdom knows how to pick it out.
Men should value and respect women. (People should respect people.)
Perseverance, Self-control and Self-discipline are sacred and essential.
Words are powerful, and how we use them matters.
Leadership is steeped in influence and responsibility. (Everyone is a leader, and everyone should embrace and nurture that role.)
Thank you again so much for supporting the mission of Manlihood! Please keep reading, commenting, sharing and telling your friends!
Lou Costa Shares his take on Motivation and Mindset
I’m Bleeding Me.
I’m sprinting, full bore down a local sidewalk on this fog cloaked Saturday morning while thick steam pushes off my head and out from under my drawn hood. The potent mix of this chilly day break and sweat soaked knit cap is causing blinding condensation on my coke bottle thick prescription Persol sunglasses.
The streaked lenses are rendering me damn near as useless with them, as without.
One stem of my jet black shades is held together with a caked glob of “Krazy” branded super glue. I imagine the factory adhesive that used to hold this frame together has slowly been worn away from the constant bombardment of my own workout “shmelting.” Toxically eroding the once finely crafted plastic, the lubricated slickness of my skin is now causing me to relentlessly adjust these damned scratched spectacles on my wind beaten face.
Granted It is I, who has insisted completion of this torture, but that doesn’t make this last speed interval any less maddening as I claw at these damned glasses.
The Cold Gear sweatshirt I am wearing was bought from an UnderArmour Factory outlet for 29.99 – 7 years ago. Smeared snot from my sick 3 year old’s very curious and wipe-y hands sticks off the Camo Logo. I look down and notice a large crusty, rock hard boog swath across my chest. I am oddly proud and slightly disgusted at the same time.
The pungent smelling neck of this battle tested garment has long been stretched and cut appropriately to allow the trapped heat of my un-showered body to rise directly into my flared nostrils.
I cannot say I am opposed to my own personal brand of executive man musk.
This, my favorite hoodie comes adorned with sodium stained watermarks that have successfully tracked the output from my previous week’s training sessions simultaneously outing my lacking laundry habit as well. The faded and stained white analysis of these left over effort rings are as telling as any FitBit or popular workout device could possibly report back post workout.
ALWAYS … WORK HARDER!
is the message I take from the ripe sweat rings clinging to this stank and mucus stained garb. That same analysis is what ALL the hi-tech algorithm of today’s fitness trackers’ SHOULD have suggested to you in the first place.
Sadly, they haven’t.
A couple walking their medium sized wiener dog just casually switched to the other side of the track. After watching me barrel around the corner they must have deduced that my laboring frame beating down this frozen course rather asthmatically gasping for each stinging breath is NOT something they REALLY wanted to deal with this early in the morning.
I get their point.
Metallica’s “Bleeding Me” is blaring into my slightly deaf left ear while barely buzzing out of the the recently broken right ear piece. Some sort of blue, itchy plastic is now exposed where the sleek contoured covering used to sit comfortably inside of my inner ear canal. The constant irritating scraping from this strange material is annoying but the broken bud still succeeds in muting the outside world from James Hetfield’s soulful growls.
So how can I REALLY complain?
I won’t replace the broken product because I am a serial DESTROYER of all listening devices. The now yellowish apple cord of this particular pair caught on the corner of my beaten red Cardillo belt last week while I was deadlifting in my damp water soaked basement. The right bud ripped harshly to the floor as I felt the accumulation of blood start to pool inside, muddying the sound of my smooth streaming #LouLife Spotify playlist and bothering me for the rest of the training session.
These things happen from time to time.
So, I suspect a new perfectly white pair of headphones would befall a similar fate as the last 3 have anyway. F— it, until they are completely destroyed I ORDER them to soldier on dutifully.
I am bent over, hands on knees and body laboring post sprint work. Waiting for my temples to stop pounding and my equilibrium to recalibrate, I sometimes wonder if this will be the time I actually just slump over in a large taco-loving mass and things simply fade to black. Could this be the day?
Sometimes I wonder If that permanent scenario would actually be worse than the feeling of this physical pain.
Shuddering. Dripping. Freezing. Blinded. I stand and start to slowly walk forward. Eh, I guess we shall live on today, I think. Too bad 🙂
My heartbeat POUNDS out of my chest but I am controlling its slowed rate recovery by a few deeply forced breaths of January air. Inside my body, these breaths pierce every piece of tissue they come into contact with. The expended CO2 I bellow out deep from my lungs heaves clouds of warmed exhale back into the frigid atmosphere.
The natural sinew emitting from my mouth resembles a locomotive’s timed puff-clouds fading back into the morning’s moisture. These almost embarrassingly but beautifully plumed smoke signals reveal the actual effort it has taken to move this large vessel of mine at such mediocre speeds.
My heart stops wrenching in my chest after a few seconds of paced walking and the metronome control I’ve mastered over it through years of strength training kicks in.
The realization that my feet are becoming numb from the snow and ice mixture that have accumulated from nature’s obstacles along this route has crept into my conscious from the break in action. I think for a second I should’ve worn thicker socks but decide quickly that it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
I pull my 2009 iPod out of my pocket with cracked and dried hands, thickened from the continued abuse I insist they suffer through. Today it is the elements I wish for them to endure. Tomorrow it will be repeatedly picking up a moldy soaked 200lb sandbag and flinging it over a pre-set bar until my back screams to stop. The day after tomorrow they will be made to grip a freezing steel 2-inch-handled sledgehammer as I smash it into a beaten old tractor tire until I am satisfied.
For now, these achy digits simply hit repeat on Metallica’s 8 minute and 18 second masterpiece that will drive me forward to a warm kitchen on the final trip home to cook Dad’s special “cheese egg” breakfast for my family. After a few failed attempts from the slightly outdated water-laden touch screen I manage to succeed JUST as the symphony’s chords hit and RIGHT before anger engulfs my thought process.Pausing for a moment I take one last huge gasp of air and sneer at the last amount of suffering that I am about to inflict on my system.
Then… I simply take off running at full speed with no second thought. Spraying slush off the ends of my muddied Nikes I disappear into the dark fog. My legs have started shaking uncontrollably on the journey home to the point I CANNOT sprint the incline of my neighborhood’s sidewalks any longer. Forced to finish in low 4wheel drive, I gear down to smash the last 40 yards of pavement with a fast and deliberate march.
If you want to, listen closely and you will understand through the buzzing music emitting from blue torn plastic into my scabbed over ear.
I believe in the power of strength training, fitness, exercise
or whichever your niche’ in the world of workout … to drive and to change your life. There is a discipline involved in training and great reward for those of us who constantly evolve our bodies shape, size and strength. This reward is one that I personally believe very deeply having been a personal trainer, strength coach and mentor to many young athletes for many years.
My journey through this life has run the gambit of emotion from grand elation to dumbass mishap and taken every single turn in between one could conjure up. The anchor through my course of existence has always been my commitment to strength and the positivity surrounding that dedication.
Lou Costa of Ironmill
The connection I have to training is actually palpable, almost indescribable when you work for something so hard that was thought impossible a month, a year, a decade ago … and now that same un moveable obstacle bends to your will as you grow in knowledge, strength and power.
It is that feeling that I wish to share with our community. The power to change after failure, to adapt and then to
OVERCOME.
When we drive ourselves to capabilities that others are unable to understand or comprehend, we form a bond amongst us.
Ironmill and Manlihood is a place to share that bond.
The Brother of “Iron”
…where the passion of sharing a wealth of information, experience, media and change is more than just welcomed, it is encouraged. If you read our philosophy and there is a fire sparked inside of you to introduce yourself to that idea of dedication, 100 % percent effort and absolute pride in yourself to not only change your physique but to cause a real shift your thinking … than we have accomplished our initial goal.
We here at Ironmill believe to our core that the commitment and knowledge we help instill in you to succeed to the betterment of your personal fitness goals will extend far past squats, deadlifts and dumbells. We believe that the commitment to the betterment of yourself will translate deeply into a more positive life as well.
Rise X Up!
I write that last statement with absolute sincerity.
I write that sincerely because that commitment and knowledge has changed many people’s lives around me.
It has brought us into this community together.
It has given us focus.
It has instilled work ethic.
It has forced a paradigm shift in our thinking. It makes the impossible, possible.
It suits us with the armor to overcome anything we are willing to work towards.
It is the passion forged within ourselves and brought together by the common bond of a stronger you.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us why he doesn’t want you to follow him.
Who do you think you are? How can a fat guy making peanuts tell me how to live my life? Why should I take advice from the guy that doesn’t look or act nearly as manly as I do? That Hatcher guy isn’t manly at all! What gives him the right to say that?
I think about these kinds of questions a lot. Fortunately – none of you mutter them out loud… though I’m sure those questions may occasionally bounce around in your heads.
I’m not here to tell you how to be rich. I’m not here to tell you how to be healthy. I’m not here to tell you how to do anything from a position of superiority.
Many of the men’s groups and authors and people that I follow are touting themselves as a “mastermind” group and they say, “Don’t take advice from anyone who is a failure.” or “Don’t ask a broke person about money.”
I want to make something clear. I am not perfect, nor am I trying to build “followers” – I don’t want to make you guys “disciples” of me.
What I want to do is to encourage you guys to work on your life…. to work on your marriages… to work on your kids… to work on your character… and to build the kind of relationships that help you do that.
“Self-improvement” (I like this term better than self-help) is really what I want us all to look at. No matter where we fall on the scale financially, or where we fall on the scale in physical health, or courage, or relationships – we all ought to be able to look at our lives and evaluate how we can improve them.
I’m a work in progress. I screw stuff up all the time. I’m still looking for what works. If you are hoping to follow a guru who has it all together – I’m going to tell you something – you’re not going to find him.
He may be rich, but he’s a douche.
He may be super fit, but he’s on his fifth marriage and he’s having an affair.
He may be a great husband and father, but he eats too many donuts.
Stop trying to find the perfect coach, the perfect mentor, the perfect leader – and if you need perfection to follow – I’ll point you to Jesus. (ask me what I’m talking about if you want to know more.)
But aside from that – in the here and the now – Here’s where Josh Hatcher fits into the mix.
I’m a good Dad. I’m a good husband. Not a perfect one – but a good one.
I have a good eye for how to do those things well.
I’m also pretty good at making strategy, and planning.
I’m also pretty good at how to relate with friends, how to resolve issues, and how to be a leader in your home, work, and community.
These are the things that I can teach you. And that’s what I’ll invest my time and energy into.
I’m also pretty good at fostering community, getting people to think, and getting people to discuss things.
So I’m hoping that if you have questions, I can help you find the answers by connecting you with others in our “band of merry men.”
That also means, though, gentlemen – for this to work, and to work well – we all have to do our part – to share from the places we excel, so we can help other brothers succeed as well!
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher says you have to deal with your crap, and tells you how he dealt with his.
Deal with your crap. A while back, I had to deal with a sewer problem. Digging out a trench to move the crap so I could get to the pipe. I was covered in crap. I took a shower and got out and while drying off, I still smelled crap. It was gross. And I had to hop back in the shower again.
I went to a funeral for an old friend. He had a lot of pain. A lot of crap.He choose to numb that pain by drinking and drugging until his liver quit. Through his addiction, he pushed his family away and hurt them.
I saw their grief as they choose to forgive him and to say goodbye.
He didn’t deal with his crap.
So… I don’t what kind of crap you guys are dealing with in your life… But make sure you deal with it!
No one likes to deal with crap.
But if you don’t deal with it, it can make you sick and kill you.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the problem with “the blame game.”
The Blame Game is a destructive mindset that we all play from time to time. It’s an inneffective way to process any scenario, and we’ve got to level up our understanding, and put things in the proper perspective.
Blame looks for someone to punish Blame doesn’t fix the problem. Blame focuses more on shame than restoration.
Responsibility doesn’t care “Whose Fault?” Responsibility focuses on the fix. Responsibility restores.
Don’t blame, take responsibility. It doesn’t matter whose fault.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Stop playing the blame game. Replace it with taking responsibility
The buck stops here. You are the only one who can change you. And you are the only one you can change.
As a man you are a leader – that means even more responsibility.
“any team, in any organization, all responsibility for success and failure rests with the leader. The leader must own everything in his or her world. There is no one else to blame. The leader must acknowledge mistakes and admit failures, take ownership of them, and develop a plan to win.”
“Implementing Extreme Ownership requires checking your ego and operating with a high degree of humility. Admitting mistakes, taking ownership, and developing a plan to overcome challenges are integral to any successful team.”
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be a gentleman.
What it means to be a gentleman
The word gentleman has more connotations than it does definitions. It is important to clearly define what it means to be a gentleman, and to rid our minds of the mixed up messages we have often attached to the word.
I remember as a boy, well-meaning women teachers would use the word “gentlemen” to try to convince a class full of rowdy boys to sit still and be quiet.
Some boys, enthralled by the compliment of being referred to as “men” compiled. Most boys, offended at being called “gentle” didn’t comply.
I was often in the second category.
The word also conjures a cartoonish picture of a gentlemen of the Victorian era, in suit and bow tie, with a monocle and his hair parted in the middle.
He is not Popeye, Fred Flintstone or Yosemite Sam. He isn’t heroic or strong. He responds to tough circumstances with fear, or at best, really bad boxing form.
To this caricature, being gentle means being week.
To be a gentleman is not about being proper or mannered, or pedigreed or less likely to fight.
To be a gentlemen means to have honor… we give things and people the proper value, and treat them in a way that shows honor to their value.
That means showing courtesy and politeness when it matters.
That means showing respect where it is due.
That means treating people with kindness, and in some cases tenderness.
It also means defending that honor when sometime shows dishonor.
To be a gentleman is a choice to live in a way that shows honor, and return then deserves honor.
Chivalry is not Chauvinism
Maybe it’s because chivalry and chauvinism both involve men and how they view women…. Maybe it’s because they both start with “ch”… But the meaning of chivalry is often mixed with chauvinism.
chiv·al·ry
the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
knights, noblemen, and horsemen collectively.
the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
Chau·vin·ism
exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
excessive or prejudiced loyalty or support for one’s own cause, group, or gender.
I don’t know if anyone even realizes they have connected the two words. I think it happened unconsciously somewhere around the time of the cultural revolution of the 60s.
I’ll be clear… that revolution for some very good things for women. There were many ridiculous ideas about women and their worth. Truly “male chauvinistic” ideas.
To be a gentleman is to value things rightly. To honor and respect women.
That sounds like chivalry to me.
Offering to hold the door for a woman didn’t mean we think she is weak. It means we want to show her honor.
It is polite to hold the door open for people, right?
Gentlemen show manners not just because of social norms or old fashioned rules… rather, that politeness comes out of a drive to honor people, to value people.
I can’t say that it will be ready to separate the cultural associations between chauvinism and chivalry, but we should strive to model that we are men of honor.
Moderated Ferocity
Gentle should never mean weak.
Erase that image from your head, and make sure to erase it from the minds of those around you.
I’ll never forget wrestling with my father when I was a boy and even a young man. My dad had some military training, some martial arts training, and years of brawling and fighting behind him. He was stronger than any man I knew.
He definitely showed that strength while we rolled around in the living room floor. He could have crushed my head, snapped a bone, or really seriously hurt me. But he didn’t. He was gentle.
Being gentle is not being weak. It is moderating and controlling strength.
The Allegheny River flowed through our backyard. We were twenty miles from the source, so some would have called it a creek. A very deep swimming hole right on our backyard used to draw young people from town who wanted to cool off in the brown water.
Many of those young people were very disrespectful to my dad’s property, and to my dad himself. He would hear kids cussing or fighting, or catch kids littering or even driving or drugging, and would walk down the river and set them straight. I watched boys and girls day things to my dad that should have been greeted with a smack to the face. But he always kept his cool. He would very firmly ask them to leave. If his eyes got fiery, those kids would scatter. Once in awhile, a young man would need to be physically removed. Dad had the strength and knowledge to cause serious harm. He never did.
That’s gentleness. That’s a gentleman. In control of his strength.
Courtesy and Kindness Go a long way
As men, we long to be known for our strength, or ruggedness. If we are not particularly strong, we may have shifted that to a desire to be known for our intellect or creativity. Either way, what each of us want, is supremacy. We want to be the best. We want to be the smartest. In fact, we often lie to ourselves very subtly, to tell ourselves that we are the best and most important person in the room. Even those who may take up the mantle to fight for the downtrodden seem to share this character trait. You see it from the Twitter feed of “social justice warriors” and even the old men swapping fish stories at the corner store over coffee. It’s human nature to put ourselves at the center of our own world.
A gentlemen shows a great that butts against this. Courtesy. Kindness.
To put someone else’s needs ahead of our own clashes with our own inner beast. And it often inspires the same response in others!
Let me challenge you directly, men. There are others who are smarter and stronger. And even those who are weaker and not as smart that need you to defer to them sometimes. They need you to step up and show kindness, politeness.
There are people that just need a smile, a laugh, a friend.
They might need you to offer a helping hand, or even make a sacrifice to help meet a bigger need.
I believe showing kindness goes against human nature, which is about self. Kindness though is built in is too… it’s built in because we are made in the image of God.
Let us never forget the kindness others have shown us, and let us live indebted to pay it forward in acts of love and service
Of Courtship and Flowerpicking
TRIGGER WARNING: I’m about to talk about old-fashioned ideas about relationships and sexuality. Don’t listen if you can’t handle the fact that I might hold ideas that you think are outdated or prudish. Better yet, listen anyway and give it some thought. The worst that can happen is you might be exposed to someone else’s viewpoint. Most likely, you’ll see that I’m a reasonable person.
Somewhere in our 50 Shades of Tinder and snapchat soaked generation of “thirsty” bros, we’ve completely abandoned some old school ideas that I think really matters.
Yes. I’m old fashioned. I’m okay with that. If you think differently than I do – I am not judging you, I’m not offended by you, and I won’t disrespect you.
I think sexuality should be reserved for marriage.
I think sexuality should be gentle, not degrading.
I think that dating shouldn’t be exclusive, and should have strings attached.
I think courtship, or “going steady” should be done carefully, and with the goal of marriage in mind.
I have a lot more old fashioned ideas about this. But I think this is enough to give you my framework.
When it comes to courtship and dating (and yes, there is a distinction between the two) there’s something a man must do. HIs toughness, wildness and strength is not TAMED by her – but rather, he is RESTRAINED for her.
He treats her gently, picks flowers for her, braids her hair, and as such, she sees in him the true beauty of his affection for her – his RESTRAINT.
If a man cares for a woman, treating her gently does not neuter him, does not tame him, does not make him any less tough – no – it’s a chance to prove his love by showing restraint.
I think that if he jumps the gun, and enters into a sexual relationship before the proper time (in my opinion, after marriage) then he demonstrates not restraint, but rather shows her his lack of self-control.
That same restraint is important in the bedroom after marriage as well. He reserves his sexuality only for her. He also continues to treat her gently.
Our porn-saturated culture has normalized the degrading of women during sex. I think that a true gentleman does not descend to calling a woman names, or inflicting pain during sex. That isn’t love, and shouldn’t be portrayed as such.
No matter the stage of your relationship – to be a gentleman, you must exercise self-control!
Remember, men, gentle does not mean weak. To be a gentleman means to be a man in control of himself.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us how to love our wives more than we love ourself.
Balance the Old Fashioned ways with freedom and respect.
Sometime during the last cultural revolution, a number of ancient truths have been tossed aside. Losing some old and antiquated ideas may have been good for our culture in some ways- but in others, we’ve lost some of the ancient wisdom that held our society together.
Marriage may seem like an old fashioned idea. I’ve heard it described as “a contract for female slavery” and “a ridiculous old fashioned idea.”
I want to make it clear that I’m admittedly old fashioned about this. I’m proud of it and unapologetic. That doesn’t mean I’m judgmental of those who do things differently.
But I firmly believe that while marriage is old fashioned, it’s also not meant to place women in a lower or lesser place.
Marriage is meant to be a union of two people. Do I think there is a natural authority of husband and father in a home? Yes. But that authority and leadership does not imply inequality.
If you want to love your wife well, then you need to not have a “Leave it to Beaver” June Cleaver definition in your mind of what’s expected of her. Especially in today’s culture, when women work outside the home – don’t demand that she be your house servant as well. Cooking and cleaning are not just women’s work. We all have to chip in. If she is a stay at home wife, it may seem fair to ask her to do more than a wife who is working outside the home as much as you are. But make sure that any expectations you have are communicated and worked out together, not demanded, solely because she’s a woman.
The old fashioned part about marriage that I love – is that it’s about commitment. Life long commitment.
Your wedding vows were not “until I don’t feel like it anymore.” No – those vows were, “till death do us part.”
I understand that sometimes circumstances arise that change things, that make it difficult, that make it hard.
But make sure that for everything in your power, you do everything possible to honor that commitment. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t make excuses. Just choose to honor your commitment.
Study her.
How well do you know her? I know that now that my wife and I are approaching the time in our life when we’ve been together longer than apart, I know her well. Very well. I can walk in the room, and without a word, I can tell what she’s thinking, or how she’s feeling. (Not always, of course – women, after all, are always mysterious and surprising sometimes.)
As we get older, this relationship changes and morphs. It’s not just physical or emotional. It’s spiritual.
I am not saying we are a perfect example – we frustrate each other and annoy each other all the time. But I can tell you that for almost 20 years, I’ve studied her.
When we were dating – we started out asking each other questions. When we were engaged, we read books together about marriage -and went through THREE different premarital counseling courses. We knew we were getting married young and making what everyone else thought was a bad decision – so we wanted to make sure we were well equipped to face it.
So we started off with a really strong foundation.
As we have progressed in our relationship – I’ve always tried to be attentive to her. She thinks I don’t pay attention – but I do. Sometimes I choose NOT to do the thing that she wants me to do – for any number of reasons. But in general, I want to KNOW this woman I married.
In the bedroom, I know what she likes.
In the kitchen, I know what she likes.
If you want to know how to study and learn your wife, I highly recommend you read the book “The 5 Love Languages” as a starting place.
It breaks down the different ways that people love, and it will help you understand her, and how to communicate with her.
Serve her.
This, is perhaps the hardest part of love. Men, we see ourselves as leaders. (Which isn’t a bad thing. We’ll get to leadership, and what that means in a minute.) We see ourselves as lovers, we see ourselves in so many ways, but picturing ourselves as servants is so difficult.
The truth? No matter where you are in live, you’re a servant to someone.
To quote, Bob Dylan, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody. It may be the Devil, it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”
In the case of marriage, you’re either serving yourself, or you are serving her.
Are you helping her with chores around the house? Are you providing for her needs? Are you doing things that help her? Are you making sure to please her first in the bedroom? (C’mon guys. You know that matters!)
If you want a happy wife, you’ve got to take on the role of a servant. It will make you a great husband. A happy husband. And if you do it well, and if you do it right, she’ll reciprocate.
Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. ― Martin Luther King Jr.
Listen to her.
Women are a mystery. I know it may be overgeneralization to say this – so apply whatever amount of common sense is needed to understand it.
Women don’t want you to fix their problem, as much as they want to feel understood, acknowledged, or listened to.
There are times, obviously, when what she really wants is for you to fix the drain under the kitchen sink.
But there are many times, she just needs to air her grievances to her best friend. She doesn’t want you to solve or fix the problem, but to listen to her.
This is hard for us. Men are fixers. It’s in our nature as men to find broken things and fix them.
Women do want things to be fixed. But more importantly, they just want to be heard, understood, loved, accepted.
It may seem counterintuitive and self-sabotaging to sit in that situation, where she pours her heart out, and you just listen.
You would not think that it is difficult, but learning to listen has been one of the toughest challenges of my relationship with my wife. I’ve always got a solution, and answer, a suggestion. Keeping those quiet long enough to fulfill her actual need, though, the need to be heard and understood – that’s the real challenge.
Thank and Affirm Her.
Use your words. Say what you think and feel about her. I don’t know why this is so difficult for many men to do – but it’s essential to building a good relationship.
She needs to hear, “Thank you.” How often? You can never say it enough.
She needs to hear, “You are beautiful.” How often? You can never say it enough.
There are many things unique to your wife that she needs to hear, and I’ll leave that up to you to decode and decipher her. But I can tell you that almost every woman I’ve ever met struggles with self-image, self-worth, self-doubt issues. I think it’s safe to say that it’s a common thing women struggle with.
As a husband, your responsibility is to build her up. To affirm her. To use your words to reassure, comfort, and back her up.
I would talk about the negative things we say – when we cut down, criticize, and tear her apart with our comments – but honestly, that’s another discussion entirely. All that I will say is to stop. If you have constructive advice or concerns – you need to wrap that in love. For every legitimate criticism, you should have already given her five to ten compliments.
Ultimately, men, the key component is understanding that love is a long series of small intentional choices and actions. It’s not warm and fuzzy feelings. You don’t “fall out of love” – you just stop tending it properly, and it gets choked out. So treat it like a garden, manicured, weeded, watered, and it will bear fruit.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the question of WHEN.
It’s really a question of when.
When to be vulnerable / when to be tough.
If you’ve listened to my other podcasts, you know I’m not a fan of the word vulnerable. I prefer authenticity. But that’s another episode, and you can go listen to it yourself.
For the sake of clarity – let’s use the use the word vulnerable.
When should you be vulnerable, and show your weaknesses, and how does that contrast to when you should steel your resolve and show your strength?
I think it’s important to have a trusted circle of people who see and know your struggles and your vulnerabilities. Even men need a friend they can cry with on a very rare occasion. You don’t have to trust EVERYBODY. But you should be working on building the kind of relationships that support your vulnerabilities. Think about a Danish Shield Wall on the battlefield. They’re all pretty exposed from behind, but they work together to fend off attackers.
Sometimes, you have to suck it up. You have to put the emotion and the weakness on the shelf, and face the battles head on.
Understanding WHEN is sometimes harder than doing it. I think the decision has to be made in a way with the people you are with in mind. Are they trustworthy? Do they have your back? Do you legitimately need help from them?
You can’t live your life as an island, portraying a false image of yourself as strong all the time. At the same time, you can’t constantly be an emotional ball of wax, melting at the slightest offense or struggle, and unable to function. (Sometimes, you just might be that. And it’s okay to ask for help. But it’s not okay to stay there.)
The answer here has more to do with who you trust and who you surround yourself with, than it does with you. When do you be tough? When you can! When do you be vulnerable? When you NEED to be, and only with those you can trust. And if you aren’t building those relationships with people – they won’t be there when you need them.
When to be quiet / when to speak up
Sometimes, the question of when has to do with when do I open my mouth to speak? When do I point out what I perceive to be true, when it seems to be none of my business?
This one is not ever easy, and the scale is sliding.
Start by measuring things within the context of relationships. Does the thing I have to say HELP someone? Does the thing I have to say HURT someone? Weigh it carefully, because sometimes it does both.
Someone is in danger – a kid, an abused spouse, etc… always say something! Someone looks ugly – probably should never say something!
Someone is correcting their kid harshly, but not abusing them… it depends on your relationship with them if you should call them out. (Definitely in private, though!)
Also – speak up in person. Not via text message. Don’t think that confronting someone over text will ever go well. It almost never does. Text doesn’t have tone. Text doesn’t have body language or eye contact, so your message can be reinterpreted differently.
While I tend to be a person who calls people on their crap, and the friend that lets the other friend know he has a booger on his face – I’ve found that in general, I need to shut up more.
You may be someone who needs to speak up more, rather than shut up. I wish I could tell you the exact answer on this one – but I’ll tell you this.
Make sure that your motivation is good. Speak because you care about people. Speak with the goal of fixing things. Speak with honesty AND love in mind.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about the difference between Nice and Kind.
There is a difference between being “nice” and being “kind.”
I’d rather be “kind” than be “nice.”
Kindness is intentional and outward. It takes courage to be kind. It takes action and it doesn’t always do what everyone else wants.
Niceness is passive, and receptive. It doesn’t take effort, and it doesn’t require action. It doesn’t rock the boat.
They may seem like subtle differences, but the mindset between being “nice” and being “kind” are very different.
People frequently describe me as a “nice guy.”
But I don’t think they understand the difference.
You don’t have to be a pushover. You don’t have to keep your mouth shut when someone needs to hear the truth. You don’t have to always be agreeable and compliant.
It’s okay to stand up for yourself, and others. It’s okay to fight for what’s right.
It’s also okay to treat people with kindness, and respect, and to go out of your way to smile and show love to people. This does not indicate weakness, or submission.
Finding this balance, I believe is the key that unlocks many many things.
