Jim McDonald

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July 4 2013

With Love, Jedidiah; or What I Learned On My Trip To the Library

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By Jim McDonald

The technology age is upon us, and it has changed the way we live in many ways. Many of us remember the days of buying paper magazines (seriously, are you still doing that?). Today, we read the thoughts of complete strangers via the internet. Dick Tracy’s two way wrist radio is kid’s stuff compared to the way we hold the wealth of the world’s collective knowledge in the palm of our hand, thanks to the masterminds at Apple and Google. Considering how “the world has moved on” in the words of Roland Deschain, it’s interesting to consider what other changes have come our way. One primary example is your local public library.

I haven’t had a library card in years, but as I have children who I desperately need to be quietly amused on long car trips, I felt it was time to revisit my local mecca of literature. Lo and behold, the library is digital. “Say what,” you say? Yes, we all know print books are becoming irrelevant. They are antiquated technology on par with cave paintings, tribal skull elongation, and planking (thank God planking is dead). Walking into the building that was formerly ruled by the elderly gal with the stern gaze I found an area that looks much like that great coffee shop, Barnes And Noble. I walked past a small bistro (apparently it’s a BYOC environment, as although there were plenty of tables and seating, there was no one making coffee – what a shame), conference rooms, teleconference rooms, and rows of computers before seeing, at long last, books.

Upon acquiring a new library card, because the library is digital now, and it’s just easier to put you in the computer than try to reactivate your old library card, perhaps you could sell it to an antique store, but the gal at the circulation desk wants to touch it as much as she does a dead rat, I was introduced to the truth about the modern library. There’s no reason to ever go into a modern library. Seriously. I live in a small area, with a population that consists of three families, some farm animals, and a guy no one wants to admit has moved to town (guess which one I am). All the same, the most recent additions to the library’s catalog come in the form of e-books and audiobooks. Wait, I don’t need to leave my home to visit the library. Nope. It’s all online. Saddle up your Kindle and hit the electronic trails of internet enabled fiction. Sorry, I mean the library website, not CNN.com.

At this point I would like to share what I learned on first trip to the library’s e-book portal, and it may shock many men. After browsing the rather modest collection of electronic literature I offer the following:

Libraries are primarily used by women. How do I know this? 90% of the fiction titles have some half-dressed, muscular dude on the front. Obviously, his ego is way out of control, because he has no idea that I have no interest in staring at his pecs.
Women are constantly aroused. Why do I say this? See point number 1 for details. Women’s literature comes in two forms: hot, steamy, sexy romance and gardening. If your gal doesn’t have a garden, she’s probably ready at a moment’s notice. Obviously, they maintain control over the world’s male populace by being ready constantly, but exercising enough self-control to choose the time and place, giving them the upper hand in all matters marital. Touché girls. Well played.
Women love Amish guys. Seriously, have you seen the plethora of Amish romance novels lately? I asked my wife if she wants to be Amish, or ever wonders what life would be like if she ended up with a man with a beard but no mustache. While she denies both, the local library says otherwise. Chicks dig men who dig the soil.
Reference books and self-help books are roughly the same, and if they don’t reference Oprah Winfrey at least once they’re of no value to the local library. I don’t make the rules, I just mock them.

So, men, we have two choices. Rise up against our local library and demand books on spies, aliens, motorcycle repair, and demolition for fun and profit, or grow a beard (but not a mustache) and pick up a shovel. The things I have learned about the female of the species from my trip to the library are confusing, and frankly, I’m afraid to speak to girls again for the first time since high school. Not because I’m shy, but if the library collection has taught me anything it’s that girls are weird and are best avoided. I feel their brains have been addled by cooties, and ain’t nobody got time for that!

In closing, if you’re Amish, and a fan of Amish romance e-books, please email me and let me know what the allure is of this relatively new, and wholly confusing, genre of literature. I have a bevy of questions for you, such as how are you emailing me in the first place? Is this a recruiting tactic? Are the Amish now using the internet to lure unsuspecting women into the lifestyle? I fear the rabbit hole runs deep on this one, and the truth is out there, at your local library.

July 3 2013

(Pride) In The Name of Love

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Once again Dallas, TX has officially proclaimed the month of June to be Pride Month. This is in response to a request brought forth by the LGBT task force, commemorating the Stonewall Riots, one of the first major public battles toward equality for homosexual US citizens. In many ways the homosexual community is still treated like second class citizens, though they have gained a lot of headway in the decades which have passed since this historic event. All politics aside, this got me thinking about what I’m proud of. The list has changed over the years, but a few key aspects of life have informed both my identity, and are the anchors of my pride.

A primary factor in my life is my faith. I am a committed Christian, and I’m proud of my faith, and the heritage and direction it gives to my life. In recent years I feel like many have tried to make me feel guilty about such a traditional view, but let’s take a moment to clear the air. I don’t think that every Muslim is out to kill. The adherents to Islam I have met are intelligent people who never appear to be on the edge of murder. I don’t feel religious people have the right to ridicule homosexuals. It’s not our place to make anyone else feel like less of a human, or to cast scorn, hatred, or derision upon anyone, for any reason, sexual orientation included. I don’t disregard science due to blind adherence to the Bible. Actually, I think the two can go hand in hand. No, I don’t think the world is only 6,000 years old, and my children have been vaccinated. My best friend of over 20 years is an atheist – I will never exclude you for thinking differently than I do. Christianity has received a lot of bad press in recent years, but I know that it has taken me from an immature man child with no goals to a successful man with a great career, good friends and a wonderful family.

And on that note, I’m proud of my family. I have a beautiful, intelligent, creative wife who is a constant source of wonder and amazement. Seriously, she has ideas that would never cross my mind, and often fills in the gaps in my own thought process. We have two beautiful little girls, and a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. We are not a perfect family. We disagree, and sometimes mom and dad are too tired or stressed after a day of dealing with the black and white world view of an individual with an autism spectrum disorder. If you’ve ever seen the television show “Parenthood” take note of character Max Braverman. I assure you it’s a very accurate depiction of the stresses that come with a child on the autism spectrum. This year has seen our aspie son, the oldest of our three, make huge strides toward maturity, while our youngest, a girl of four with a wit sharper than many adults, enter preschool. While we are flawed in many ways, I am proud to be the father and husband to a loving, challenging family.

I am proud of my heritage. I have already mentioned the Christian heritage that grounds my faith, but in a way many of us can relate to I am proud of my country. The USA has made its share of mistakes, and while I often disagree with those in power, I like the fact that we can all be equal. Christian and atheist, gay and straight, no matter your outlook, spirituality, race, creed or disability (and we all have disabilities to one extent or another), we are allowed to live as we see fit, barring that we injure no other. That’s awesome. Yes, I know many are looked down on for various reasons, but when I see countries in the Middle East stoning homosexuals and publicly shaming, or even murdering, people who oppose the predominant faith, I’m glad that people of dissimilar views are allowed to live, more than this – expected to live, unmolested in my country.

To go even deeper, I recently introduced my children to our racial heritage by visiting a local museum dedicated to the Native Americans that originally populated our area. I am but a few generations removed from those who lived on the reservation. It was difficult to explain to my children that we have a rich heritage that does not require wearing animal skins, donning feathers and dancing around a fire. Native Americans have left an indelible mark on this nation, and are present in every industry and walk of life in the US. While my family may not practice the traditions of our forebears, it’s important to know where we come from, and to know take pride in how far we have come, as a society, as a racial group, and as individuals.

Whether you agree with Dallas or not, we all have something we’re proud of. I don’t know what it’s like to be discriminated against because of my sexuality, but I do know how it feels to be an outcast in other areas of life. How it feels to be the only Christian in the room when others are discussing macroevolution – scorned for my views, but still proud of my faith. How it feels to be the father of the kid with Asperger’s who is in tears because he doesn’t fit it with the other kids, yet still feeling pride in his small steps that other kids his age are leaps beyond. To be proud of my heritage when all others think of are the clichés seen on television and movie screens, which are often miles removed from the truth. This June I will celebrate Pride Month by taking stock of the things I am proud of, and remembering that I don’t have the right to tear down another for theirs. By living this way I hope to rise above the static around me to find hope, respect and fellowship, even with those whose views I may not fully understand.

June 4 2013

Hail To The King, Baby: The Most Underrated B Movies You’ve Never Seen

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By Jim McDonald

If you relieve yourself in a standing position there’s a movie you love that’s hideous. The production values are so low as to be laughable, and the plot is full of more holes than your favorite old t-shirt. Why is this? I think it’s because men are doers. We like to look at something and be able to say, “I could do that!” While many of us have gone on to prove our right to add to the gene pool through the creation of cinematic blockbusters, our unsung heroes are those who create the fast food cheeseburger of the theater world, the B movie.

We all know the equation for a good B movie. A replaceable plot that’s been rehashed more times than a man of average intelligence can count, cheap scenery, a small cast, and more than a little stock footage. More than a few directors have attempted to stake their claim in the realm of low budget cinema by covering up a lack of creativity with boobs, blood and brutality, but a truly spectacular B movie offers something more. A unique take that surpasses the overdone (and often overblown) themes to give the viewer something unexpected. Something that will be cloned by mainstream movies for years to come, and provide a lifetime of inside jokes for those lucky enough to stumble across such a gem. In this spirit I give you the most overlooked B movies of all time.

#5: Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn – The Evil Dead trilogy is legendary. The first and the third installments in the series, Evil Dead and Army Of Darkness, have rabid cult followings, but the true gem is the green kangaroo of this triad, Evil Dead II. What do you think of when someone mentions Evil Dead? Man with a chainsaw hand? That had its origins in Evil Dead II. How about the line “I’ll swallow your soul”? Evil Dead II. The word Necromonicon never appeared in the initial offering of Sam Raimi’s opus. The humor that pervades B movie marvel Army Of Darkness had its twisted, 3 Stooges genesis in Evil Dead II. The lack of nudity found in your run of the mill B movie fare won’t even be missed when you see the interesting shades of blood used in this flick (none of which are red) and the trippy puppetry as bad ass main character Ash slowly goes insane.

#4: Killer Tomatoes Eat France – Everyone knows that Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes is the quintessential B movie. Did you know that the folks that gave us paper mache tomatoes tormenting the United States gave us not one, but three sequels, three video games and an animated TV series? By far the best of all of these is the final film feature in the tomato quadrilogy, Killer Tomatoes Eat France. In the final epic of the violent vegetable franchise we see Professor Gangrene and his rebellious puppet tomatoes attack Europe in a final attempt at world domination which can only be thwarted by Skippy from 80s sitcom Family Ties. I learned a great deal watching this movie, such as in France all men are called Frenchy and all women are named Marie.

#3: Getting Lucky – This bizarre comedy about a nerd who wins the love of his life, the beautiful cheerleader Christy, with the help of a leprechaun trapped in a beer bottle as punishment for his drunken hijinks, is laugh out loud funny. This is a prime example of nudity getting in the way of a good movie. The skin shown is an annoying distraction from the constant humor of a rusty leprechaun botching every wish granted. This movie has it all – a message of the importance of being eco-friendly, a love story, a man attacking himself with his own tennis racket, and a finale featuring a chase on horseback. Standard B movie clichés abound, such as a cheesy soundtrack, poor acting (Christy seems distracted through the entire flick, and try not to laugh at the basketball coach’s heartfelt instructions to his team) and actors playing teenagers that are obviously a decade too old for the role. Getting Lucky is a gem that hasn’t seen the light of day since the death of USA Network’s Up All Night.

#2: Starcrash – Remember how much you loved Star Wars? Remember how you thought “it would be amazing if someone could do this on a shoestring budget, using legitimate actors who will hope everyone forgets they did this in the future”? Welcome to Starcrash. This 1979 space opera falls squarely between Star Wars and Xena Warrior Princess, all but ripping off the first and more than likely inspiring the second. Space smuggler Stella Star (Bond girl Caroline Munro) must save the galaxy. The emperor (Christopher Plummer – Captain Von Trapp from “The Sound of Music”)’s son (David Hasselhof) is at her side for an interstellar adventure that includes light saber battles, among other obvious Star Wars trappings. All the action is set to an original score by John Barry (Midnight Cowboy, Goldfinger, Somewhere in Time, Dances with Wolves). Secret weapons, frozen planets and lasers abound in this little known clunker that every sci-fi fan should view at least once.

#1: Netherbeast Incorporated – Vampire movies have been done and overdone for years, but Netherbeast Incorporated offers something a little different. A telephone company in Arizona is actually a front for Netherfolk, or in common lingo, vampires. They live and work within the organization’s building, allowing the local vampire populace to live in a controlled environment away from the dangers of the mortal world. When an executive begins to experience the vampire version of dementia (“the retardations”) and hires from outside the Netherfolk community the fun begins. There are a lot of recognizable faces in Netherbeast Incorporated, including Steve Burns (Blue’s Clues), Jason Mewes (Clerks, Malrats, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), Judd Nelson (The Breakfast Club), and Darrell Hammond (Saturday Night Live). I have watched this movie numerous times, and it remains quirky, fun, and just plain funny every time.

There are several honorable mentions worth looking into. The rock n’ roll vampire farce “Suck” is a hilarious movie, and includes Dave Foley, Alice Cooper, Moby, Henry Rollins and Malcolm McDowell in its cast. 1980s sci-fi nuggest “Night of the Creeps” and “Night of the Comet” are both incredibly fun. Ed Wood’s very satisfying “The Bride of the Monster” is overshadowed by big brother “Plan 9 From Outer Space” though far superior in many ways. With today’s technology anyone can make a movie. I’m sure we’ll see more low budget jewels as time goes by.