How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Men

To stop comparing yourself to other men, notice what you're measuring, separate what you know from what you're assuming, and choose an action based on your own priorities. You can appreciate another man's success without using it as evidence against your own life.

That sounds reasonable enough when nobody has just pulled up in the truck you wish you owned.

Then you hear yourself say it.

"Must be nice."

I've thought a lot about that little phrase. Sometimes it's an innocent observation. Other times, it's carrying an entire suitcase of resentment.

Must be nice to have that kind of money. That marriage. Those opportunities. That much free time.

And underneath it, there may be another thought: Why him? Why haven't I gotten there?

Men, if you recognize that thought, give it some honest attention. You can want to improve your life without making somebody else's good news a problem.

What Are You Actually Comparing?

Be specific about what catches your attention.

Is it his income? His appearance? How easily he talks to people? The way his kids seem to enjoy being around him?

"He's better than me" is a pretty big conclusion to draw from a photograph of a vacation.

Describe the actual thing you notice. Then ask what it represents to you.

Maybe the vacation represents rest. Maybe the promotion represents recognition. Maybe the house represents security, or the friendship represents belonging.

Once you name the thing you want, you can consider whether there is a reasonable way to pursue it in your own life.

You may discover you don't want his whole life. You want some breathing room in yours.

Stop Filling In the Parts You Don't Know

You might know what his truck looks like. You probably don't know every detail of how he paid for it.

You might see a picture of his family having a great afternoon. You haven't lived through all the ordinary evenings that came before it.

That doesn't mean his life must be secretly miserable. Be careful with that story, too. You don't need to invent a hidden disaster to feel better about yourself.

Simply admit what you don't know.

You can admire what you see while remembering that you have an incomplete picture. Give him the same room to be human that you need for yourself.

Let Envy Point to a Question You Can Answer

Suppose you're jealous of how close a friend seems to be with his children.

You could sit with that feeling and decide he's showing off.

Or you could ask, "What could I do to become more available to my own kids?"

Maybe you ask him about something he's learned. Maybe you put your phone away and listen longer tonight. Maybe you need to acknowledge a problem in the relationship and work on repairing it.

Choose something that belongs to you.

I've written about leading yourself through the choices you make every day. That's where an uncomfortable comparison can become useful: you recognize an area you care about and decide how you want to behave.

You don't have to reproduce another man's results to take a worthwhile step.

Decide Which Goals Are Actually Yours

There are things I admire that I don't need to organize my entire life around having.

You can appreciate a successful business without wanting the responsibilities of running it. You can like somebody's home without deciding yours is an embarrassment.

Ask yourself what pursuing that thing would require.

Time? Training? A different job? A move? Money your household needs elsewhere?

Then ask whether it fits what you value.

If you haven't thought those priorities through, clarifying your purpose, mission, vision, and values gives you a way to evaluate the decision.

Sometimes the honest answer is, "I want to work toward that."

Sometimes it's, "I like it, but I'm choosing something else."

Both answers can be mature. You need to know which one you mean.

Practice Being Glad for Him

When a friend succeeds, tell him congratulations.

Ask how the new job is going. Enjoy the pictures. Recognize the work he put in when you know the story.

You don't have to attach a comment about how easy he has it. You don't have to follow his good news with a reminder of everything going wrong for you.

There will be room for your struggles in a healthy friendship. Let there also be room for his joy.

If the congratulations feels difficult, you can still choose to be gracious while privately working through what it stirred up.

Another man's success doesn't require your permission. But your friendship will benefit when he doesn't have to hide it from you.

Pay Attention to What You Keep Looking At

If you spend an evening looking at things you can't afford, people you wish you looked like, and lives you wish you had, notice how you feel afterward.

Then make a deliberate choice about the next evening.

You can put the phone down. Mute an account. Stop browsing for a while. Spend that time doing something connected to the need you identified earlier.

If what you want is connection, message a friend. If what you want is competence, practice a skill. If what you want is rest, let yourself step away from the screen and rest.

You don't need to turn every spare minute into an improvement project. Sometimes you simply need to stop feeding an argument with your own life.

Look at the Evidence in Your Own Life

What have you handled better lately? What have you learned? Where have you kept showing up through a difficult season?

Include the things nobody photographed.

You can recognize room for growth without overlooking what is already good. If that balance is difficult, read Taking Responsibility Without Beating Yourself Up.

The next time "must be nice" comes to mind, pause long enough to finish a more useful thought.

"I'm glad for him. What is this showing me about something I need to address?"

Then return to your own life and do something with the answer.

This article is adapted from my book, The Blue Book: Every Man's Guide to a Better Life. I wrote it to help men work through the attitudes, relationships, and choices that shape everyday life. Get The Blue Book and keep working on the life in front of you (paid link).

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