Taking Responsibility Without Beating Yourself Up

Years ago, my wife and I were struggling to make ends meet.

Our twins were toddlers. Their younger brother was a baby. We had a young family, bills to pay, and more month than money.

Some friends from church helped us work through a budget. We looked for things to cut. But even with a pretty bare-bones plan, the numbers didn’t work.

My friend Ron told me I needed to make more money.

I had reasons why that was difficult. Some of them were legitimate. Better-paying jobs weren’t exactly falling out of the sky in our small town.

But I also had plenty of excuses.

I explained the economy. Our circumstances. Why the options wouldn’t work. I had a whole presentation ready, apparently, on why somebody else needed to fix my life.

Ron told me something I didn’t want to hear. He challenged me to recognize how my choices had helped put me where I was.

At the time, I mostly added him to the list of people who didn’t understand.

His words stayed with me, though. Years later, I could see things I’d refused to acknowledge. Options I’d dismissed. Sacrifices I hadn’t wanted to make. Pride I had mistaken for principle.

Taking responsibility helped me see possibilities I had been arguing against.

It also brought me face-to-face with another problem.

Once you admit you’ve made mistakes, how do you keep that admission from becoming another reason to hate yourself?

Own Your Part Honestly

You need to be specific about what belongs to you.

Maybe you ignored the bills.

Maybe you kept accepting work you couldn’t finish.

Maybe you snapped at your wife because you were frustrated with something she had nothing to do with.

Name the behavior.

“I spent money we needed for something else.”

“I made a commitment and didn’t follow through.”

“I took my frustration out on you.”

Those statements give you something to address.

“I’m a complete failure” leaves you with a verdict and very little direction.

Be honest enough to identify what you did. Be precise enough to do something about it.

You Didn’t Choose Everything That Happened

I believe deeply in personal responsibility.

I also know that people experience things they didn’t choose.

You didn’t choose to be abused. You didn’t choose somebody else’s dishonesty. A company can close, an illness can interrupt your plans, and circumstances can narrow your options.

Taking responsibility requires an honest account of those things, too.

Otherwise, you can end up blaming yourself for harm somebody else caused.

Ask two questions:

What part of this belongs to me?

What can I do with the options I have now?

The answers may include asking for help, setting a boundary, learning something, or making a difficult adjustment.

In my own financial situation, I needed to recognize that choices I valued still had costs. Living near family mattered to us. Starting our family young mattered to us. Those decisions came with practical responsibilities.

I could value those choices and still examine how I was handling the consequences.

Feeling Terrible Isn’t the Same as Making Repairs

I’ve spent plenty of time feeling bad about things I needed to change.

I wish I could tell you that feeling bad automatically made me wiser.

Sometimes it just made me grumpier.

Then the people around me had the original problem to deal with, plus my terrible attitude about having the problem.

You can regret what you did. You can grieve what it cost. Some consequences deserve to be taken seriously.

But eventually, you need to ask:

What would repair look like?

If you missed a deadline, contact the person waiting on you.

If you hurt your wife, acknowledge what happened and listen to how it affected her.

If you’ve been careless with money, get the numbers in front of you and work through a plan.

Let your remorse move you toward something useful.

Keep Your Apology About the Person You Hurt

There’s a way of apologizing that quietly asks the other person to take care of you.

“I’m sorry. I’m such an idiot. I ruin everything. You probably hate me.”

Now the person you hurt may feel pressured to reassure you before they’ve had room to explain their own pain.

Try a clear apology.

“I said I would handle this, and I didn’t. That left you carrying it. I’m sorry.”

Then listen.

You may want to explain your intentions. You may want credit for being tired, stressed, or overwhelmed.

There might be a time to talk about that. First, give the other person room to describe what happened to them.

My conversation with Jeanell Greene about listening and connection explores how withdrawing or becoming defensive can make an already difficult conversation harder.

Stay present long enough to hear the answer.

Change Something People Can See

An apology is a beginning.

If you keep repeating the same behavior, people will eventually struggle to believe the next one.

What practical change would help you follow through?

If you forget commitments, write them down and check them.

If you overpromise, look at your calendar before saying yes.

If you avoid difficult paperwork, set a time to work through it with somebody who can help.

Make the adjustment specific enough to practice.

That’s part of learning to lead yourself: examining your choices, receiving correction, and changing behavior that affects other people.

You may need time to rebuild trust. Give people evidence without demanding that they recognize your progress immediately.

They experienced the consequences. They get to have feelings about the repair.

Let Someone Tell You the Truth

Ron told me something uncomfortable.

I didn’t receive it well.

Looking back, I’m grateful he cared enough to say it.

We need people who can help us see what we’re missing. People who will challenge an excuse and also recognize when we’re taking on blame that doesn’t belong to us.

Choose someone whose honesty you trust.

Ask, “What am I avoiding here?”

Then try to listen without preparing your defense.

In my conversation with Kent Evans about why men check out, we talked about shame and the temptation to withdraw after failure. Staying connected gives you a chance to receive perspective when your own thoughts keep circling the same accusation.

You can seek support while accepting responsibility. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.

Take Responsibility for the Next Decision

I believe God’s grace gives us room to tell the truth about ourselves.

I can admit that I was wrong. I can ask forgiveness. I can face a consequence without deciding my life has no value.

I’m still learning how to do that well.

There are choices I wish I had made differently. There are things I’ve had to repair. There are habits I still need to address.

Men, you can acknowledge those things in your own life.

Choose one situation you’ve been avoiding. Write down your part in it. Identify who needs an apology, what needs attention, and one action you can take today.

You don’t have to spend another afternoon calling yourself names.

There’s work to do.

Give yourself an honest chance to do it.