To have a rubber stamp on your forehead to confirm what you think is true.
Ink on paper, in your skin. Knowing nods. Framed sheepskin. Lifted pickups.
Listen, son.
Listen.
No man is an island. No man is a rock.
I understand you want the whole to acknowledge you. To recognize you. To give you honor, even in the slightest.
But no man can give you
What must come from you.
Father’s fears cut deep.
Mother’s tears burn hot.
Family ties that bind can be a blessing, or can hang heavy like a millstone.
To the depths.
To the depths.
Listen, son.
I’ll tell you what you need to hear.
Even if it is not what you want to hear.
No words can impart what your own lips are due.
Honor is sometimes bestowed upon a man. Like an olive wreath, a medal pinned chest-high,
A “good job” or “atta-boy” thrown in for good measure.
But that honor is cheap. Those who have received it know its worth.
Often those with a shoulder pat, or a trophy case know the truth.
The trinkets, the shiny silver badges, the lipstick marks on their cheek, are not the honor itself.
Son. Your honor, your validation flows from a spring inside you.
It bubbles over, born in determination…
building pressure from discipline..
By the time it even sees sky, enough to glint in the sun and catch an eye, it has been guided along underground tunnels of consistency and persistence.
Then, it flows out. Gets noticed. Gets recognized.
“I just want someone to notice… to tell me I am what I am.”
Son. Maybe you are not who you are, yet.
All I can say is that if you want honor, you must recognize its source is in you.
Clear the muddied well. Clean the paths of discipline. And do not stop.
Say it.
Out loud.
So that your own ears can hear.
“I am a man. I am enough. I am good.
I will train myself. I will persist. I will be a victor.”
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher tells us what you need to know about being a dad.
Got kids? Listen, to father a child is simple. Anyone with the right equipment can impregnate a woman.
But that does not mean that fatherhood is simple. There’s a few things you need to know about being a dad.
1. This matters. A lot.
43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census]
90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice & Behaviour, Vol 14, pp. 403-26, 1978]
71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
85% of children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]
90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live with only their mother. [Wray Herbert, “Dousing the Kindlers,” Psychology Today, January, 1985, p. 28]
71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. [Rainbows f for all God’s Children]
85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. [Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Department of Corrections, 1992]
Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release, March 26, 1999]
2. Don’t just BE there, BE INVOLVED
Your kids need you to be present – but that doesn’t mean in the building, playing X-Box and yelling at them. Change diapers. Show them how to treat their mother by treating her good yourself. Tell them that you love them. Laugh with them.
3. Discipline equals freedom
This little formula for success, made popular by Jocko Willink is true. Don’t get hung up on the idea that discipline is spanking. Discipline is training. Train those kids in the path they are supposed to walk. Doing so – will ensure that they have FREEDOM in the rest of their life.
4. This is hard.
I’m not gonna lie. Being a dad is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s not easy to clean up puke at 2am. It’s not easy to work two jobs to pay the bills, AND make sure that my kids feel the weight of my presence in their lives. It’s not easy to try to set an example, when what I want to do is whine and gripe.
5. But it’s worth it.
Gosh, Kids are great. Watching them grow from little beans bouncing in mom’s belly to fully grown adults, making responsible choices, and working hard and contributing to society. It’s rewarding. I’ve heard it said that kids are like arrows in the hands of a warrior. (Blessed is he whose quiver is full of them.) I draw them back, aim them, and let them fly. And sometimes we miss, but seeing them hit the mark is the most rewarding feeling I’ve ever known.
6. If you wait till you’re ready, you never will.
You’ll never be able to “afford” to have kids. Having kids isn’t something you can be ready for. What you need to do the job comes with them. Pops right out with the umbilical cord. You think you aren’t ready for this, and then the doc hands you that baby, and you feel the weight of the responsibility, and the joy and pride of making a life, and all at once, you’re given what you need.
7. You have to choose.
So, you’re handed a baby and a new name (Daddy) and you now have to choose to accept the challenge. Here’s the thing. I don’t believe that rejecting it’s an option. I mean, people DO reject it. But you shouldn’t. You choose then and there to be a father. And you make that choice, day in and day out to make sure their needs are met, that the example is set for them, that they are loved, cherished, corrected, and challenged. You have to choose it.
In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about what it means to be WILD.
To be wild, to hear the heartbeat of nature, to feel the rush of adrenal strength, to drink from the fresh air and howl at the moon – these are things that are embedded into men.
The Call
Men are wild, mighty, and fierce. Yet our culture wraps silky ropes around our necks, and shaves our faces, and trims our nails. The wildman isn’t quite socially acceptable. It’s not okay to have dirt under your fingernails, or to kill your own dinner.
We don’t have to reject civilization entirely, there is a time and a place for manners and polite conversation and neckties and cologne.
But I believe that all men, even the dandier, fluffier ones, have a call – drums beating in the distance – that beckons them into the wild.
“But especially he loved to run in the dim twilight of the summer midnights, listening to the subdued and sleepy murmurs of the forest, reading signs and sounds as a man may read a book, and seeking for the mysterious something that called — called, waking or sleeping, at all times, for him to come.”
― Jack London, The Call of the Wild
Fury. Sometimes, yes. Wild fury and righteous anger stirs up in the hearts of men. Driving them to action, to battle, to fight. Hopefully, it’s tempered with the code, with the order. Fury must be kept in check, and be used to propel justice, to free the oppressed, to protect.
Tests of Strength. From the time boys are young, they enter contests, either alone or with their brothers, and their fathers – to see how strong they are. Wrestling, weightlifting, arm-wrestling, “bloody knuckles,” Chinese hot-hands, even thumb wrestling. This wild behavior may seem reminiscent of goats butting their heads against each other, or bears mawing at each other’s necks…. But it’s a part of who we are. We don’t necessarily outgrow it. And that rough and tumble tug-of-war helps shape us, helps bond us together, and helps remind us who we want on our side if there is a time to fight.
The call of the wild pushes men to success. It drives men to be refreshed in nature. As long as we wrap it up in silk and lace and soap, it will still be there.
“He was mastered by the sheer surging of life, the tidal wave of being, the perfect joy of each separate muscle, joint, and sinew in that it was everything that was not death, that it was aglow and rampant, expressing itself in movement, flying exultantly under the stars.”
― Jack London, The Call of the Wild
“There is an ecstasy that marks the summit of life, and beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy comes when one is most alive, and it comes as a complete forgetfulness that one is alive.
This ecstasy, this forgetfulness of living, comes to the artist, caught up and out of himself in a sheet of flame; it comes to the soldier, war-mad in a stricken field and refusing quarter; and it came to Buck, leading the pack, sounding the old wolf-cry, straining after the food that was alive and that fled swiftly before him through the moonlight.”
― Jack London, The Call of the Wild
The Fire
Something else that we’ve lost when our culture became civilized and pushed out the wild men – the fire.
Today, we gather around the television and let people tell us stories, with the imagination already painted for us. Or we pretend to gather in virtual communities – typing with our thumbs and sending each other cat videos and poop emojis.
But in the WILD – men gathered around a fire at the end of the evening. The fire cooked the food from the hunt. It kept the predators away. It kept the tribe warm.
But more importantly than that, it united them. It gave them communion with each other, with the stories of their ancestors.
They laughed, sang, and told stories while the little ones fell asleep in daddy’s lap.
Generations later, we brought the fire from the outside to the inside, in stone hearths. Our tribes were smaller, but the same thing happened. Grandpa played his fiddle, Pa smoked his pipe. Grandma braided hair and they told stories of the good old days.
Today, our heat is made from underground pipes or copper coils. Our songs are auto-tuned, and we all listen to our own with our Beats by Dre or earbuds. Our stories aren’t even our own anymore – as we stopped having real adventures generations ago. OR we’re afraid that Grandpa’s war stories might frighten the children, or trigger the young and traumatized adults. (When Grandpa was their age, he was in ‘Nam dodging bullets.) But now Grandpa lives in Florida, or in a nursing home, rather than to spend his remaining years with his loved ones.
Can we recapture the tribal fire? Can we sit with our band of brothers, their wives, kids, moms, and dads and tell stories again? Can we teach our kids that electronics are nice, but sometimes the untamed and raw beauty of a fire is what our soul really craves?
The Law
The law of the wild – the order – the code if you will, matters. When we talk about living wild, we’re not talking about living without morals.
There has to be honor.
I know that some men define honor differently. Jack Donovan says the word honor has its root in the glory that came from ancient warriors who fought valiantly. He claims that now that we’ve spread out the honor like a participation trophy to anyone who does something good – we’ve stripped it all away.
I can’t say I agree wholeheartedly, with Jack Donovon, but he makes a good point.
A man of honor, though, isn’t just a brave or strong man, he’s a man with integrity, who KNOWS right from wrong, and lives it.
He needs no government to enforce it. While he may be spiritual and commune with God, he doesn’t require religion to police his behavior. If he is a spiritual man who communes with God – he doesn’t follow the code because he is frightened of lightning or hell, he follows the code because his friend is God.
Regardless of his faith or lack thereof though – we live in an age that struggles to define that code. Right and wrong have slipped away in the tsunami of relativism. While some things in life are relative – the truth is – somethings just aren’t relative!
I can’t begin to answer the questions that living in a relativistic society dredges up. As a Christian, I’m often accused of being judgmental, because I have a believe in the idea of moral absolutes.
I know that not everyone shares my judeo-christian worldview. I don’t expect everyone to do so… but I do think that as our culture has become more secular, they have perhaps thrown out a few babies with the bathwater – and neglected moral codes that were previously accepted as universal in their attempts to distance themselves from Christianity.
I know we won’t agree on what morals are universal. I get that. But I would encourage you to determine what your code is.
The Hunt
Hunting today isn’t what it once was. We used to hunt because it was life. We didn’t hunt, we didn’t eat. Now, it’s a sport, a multi-billion dollar industry. A government managed program that requires permits, fancy orange vests, and expensive equipment.
At the core of the wild is the idea that we must seek, stalk, kill, and haul our prey home to feed our young.
It was a right of passage for young men for generations – to get that first kill. To take the life of an animal, and to learn that our life depends on the life of another.
I understand that there are some that don’t eat meat -but don’t think for a minute that you aren’t still killing SOMETHING when you pluck that carrot out of its dirty ground!
Our cultured and shiny environment now doesn’t require people to get their hands dirty. If you go to the store to buy meat, you buy meat. You don’t see the beating heart, the twitching nerves, or the cold stare left behind by the animal that gave its flesh for you.
Today – our “hunt” may be translated to many things.
Rites of Passage. What rites do we use to identify our maturity into manhood? What ritual marks a teenage son turning to a man? What ritual marks a man turning to an elder? I fear we may have dropped many of these by the wayside, and I think we must begin to resurrect them.
“Men cannot be men—much less good or heroic men—unless their actions have meaningful consequences to people they truly care about. Strength requires an opposing force, courage requires risk, mastery requires hard work, honor requires accountability to other men. Without these things, we are little more than boys playing at being men, and there is no weekend retreat or mantra or half-assed rite of passage that can change that. A rite of passage must reflect a real change in status and responsibility for it to be anything more than theater. No reimagined manhood of convenience can hold its head high so long as the earth remains the tomb of our ancestors”
— Jack Donovan (The Way of Men)
Strenuous Activity. Chasing a deer through the woods, wrestling a bear to the ground, or even holding perfectly still to avoid chasing off the rabbit are all strenuous. They build strength and speed in us. What are we doing to build strength today? Are you active? Are you moving? Are you training to build your body better than it is?
“Training for me is a metaphor for life. Period. The Dedication. The Determination. The Desire. The Work Ethic. The great success and the great failures – I take that into life.” – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Respect for the source. In many cultures, a hunter or farmer would say a prayer as he slit the throat of his animal so that it could be bled out. He respected the beast that would feed his family. Now, we could have a long talk about the evils of factory farming, but that’s another topic for another day. The crux here is: Are we grateful for the sources of our provision today? Do we show respect for the company where we earn our cash? Do we show honor and respect for the work and for the hunt for our success? Or do we just demand and assume that our wealth will be handed to us?
The Tame
I love my dogs. I have a golden retriever named Lincoln, and a shelter mutt named Teddy. Yes. They are named after presidents.
They are normally relaxed and gentle beasts. Nothing at all like the wolfish ancestors. Their greatest joy is to snooze on the furniture, while a family member strokes or scratches them. They don’t have to hunt for food, and their only job is to be friendly, and on rare occasions, to be protective.
A few years ago, they got loose. Our front door was broken and didn’t get shut all the way, and so the dogs left the house while the family was at church.
It actually happened on two occasions. Both times they were gone for a week. The first time, we found both dogs covered in porcupine quills and starving. The second time, they came home covered in thousands of ticks, and weakened by Lymes Disease.
We live in the middle of nowhere, and all along the edge of our neighborhood is the Allegheny National Forest – acres upon acres of woods, old growth pines, bear, deer, raccoons, deep lakes and cold streams.
I like to imagine that for those two weeks, they were wolves. Running free, howling at the moon, hunting, digging, scratching, and living like all dogs secretly want to live.
Eventually, though, these dogs are woefully unprepared for the wild. They haven’t learned that porcupines aren’t safe. They haven’t learned to feed themselves well. And they came home to be cared for, fed, and groomed.
Teddy and Lincoln are tamed.
While we as men may live in gentle little houses, with fancy soaps, canned soups, and table manners – we must not be tamed.
We can be gentlemen, we can be polite. But we need to keep that fire of wildness and strength alive. So that when our wildman is called upon, he lives strong in us. He’s ready for anything. Ready to fight to defend, ready to provide for his family, ready to brave the elements, so that he comes home, not because he can’t survive, but because he did.
This podcast was based off a series of Blog Posts that I did previously. You can read more about it here:
A good woman is hard to find. Or is she? In this episode of the Manlihood Mancast, Josh Hatcher talks about ten things you need to know about getting a good woman.
Episode 45: Lion or Lamb – Part 4 – How and When to Follow
We’ve often been told that men need to be the alpha. And this of course, relates to the idea that we need to be the most aggressive wolf (or lion) in the pack (or pride).
They tell us to show now mercy, to build and demonstrate strength. To strive to lead at all costs.
I don’t buy into the whole “alpha male” nonsense.
What are we, animals?
No. We are men! And men come in different strokes and sizes.
If the whole pack of wolves was alpha… You know the pack would die right?
There are different roles in the pack.
And we are supposed to be better then the animals…. And they already know that everyone can’t be alpha!
Sometimes, we need to live aggressively. Sometimes we need to lead the pack. But sometimes, we need to follow, to obey, to submit. To show compassion, to show mercy, to show love.
Honestly, I think what we need more on this planet is more men that know when to lead, and when to follow.
I think what we need in this world are men who don’t think of themselves higher than they are. Men who have the strength to fight and conquer, but the self-control to know when not to.
If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
Episode 42: Lion or a Lamb – Part 1 – Finding Balance
We’ve long said that March comes in and goes out inversely like a Lion or a Lamb. The thought of being one or the other may be a bit frightening for men. Especially in a culture that no longer appreciates the fierce and bold virtues that once marked manhood.
Lambs are weak. Lions are strong.
Most of the time, I think we should err on the side of the lion. I think that we should strive to be brave, and fierce. We should strive to lead the pride, rather than to frolic in the fields, and cower at the thought of wolves.
With that said, I think that even the fiercest and strongest war-like man has to know that there’s a part of him that has to fall in line. A part of him that must be subdued and soft.
When I was a child, my dad and I loved to wrestle. His strength was and still is baffling. I’ve watched him lift things no man should lift. I’ve felt the strength in his grip. As we would wrestle, he’d show me that strength, but it was always measured and held back. I always knew that this man had the power to crush my little skull with his bare hands, and the fact that he didn’t showed me more about his strength than anything. He was wild like a lion, but he was tempered.
“For after years of living in a cage, a lion no longer even believes it is a lion . . . and a man no longer believes he is a man.” ― John Eldredge, Wild at Heart Revised and Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul
I don’t want to see men tamed. I think it’s a dangerous thing to take a lion and to train him to be a house-cat. When I talk about finding balance, I don’t mean that men should be tamed. I think they should be TEMPERED. Men, finding balance does not mean that you are abandoning your lionhood in order to be a lamb.
If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
Episode 41- Man Crush Monday – The Last of the Barenuckles
Keep in mind – not all of the heroes we recognize are perfect. If you look hard enough – you’ll find a reason to disqualify anybody from admiration. We propose a better plan, though – look for the good first. You can learn a good lesson from anyone if you are willing. Growing up as an Irish Immigrant at the turn of the last century usually meant you’d be tough – and prone to fighting. Young John grew up on the streets of South Boston – but his parents had hoped he’d be a Catholic Priest – not known for their fisticuffs. John dropped out of Boston College to try his hand at baseball. Eventually – bareknuckle boxing was his sport of choice. Despite the sport’s battle for legitimacy and eventual loss to a more sensible form of gloved boxing. (which John also excelled at.) You might recognize John – his likeness has become a popular “tough guy” meme. For being a hard as nails man with grit – for being skilled at his sport – today’s Man Crush Monday is John Sullivan If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
This week, we’ve been contrasting the things boys do and the things men do. As we mature – there are things we have to put aside. Sometimes just calling them out helps us to remember what it means to live a life of maturity. One of the things that BOYS do is run their mouths.
Loose lips sink ships. This is not only true about accidentally spilling government secrets – but about the power of talking too much.
I think the key to keeping our speech at a minimum is learning to T.H.I.N.K. before we speak!
T – is it True?
H – is it Helpful?
I – is it Inspiring?
N – is it Necessary?
K – is it Kind?
So often, the speaking we do can tear people down, not build them up. It can reveal more details than we should. It can create an image in the minds of others about us that push them away from us. It can create self-defeat, by establishing a negative attitude in ourselves!
Boys don’t think before they speak. Men carefully use their words to bring life. Don’t let your speech sink your ship, or anyone else’s!
___________ If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
Teddy Roosevelt said, “Don’t hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft.” As we continue to look at the things that BOYS do – that should get put on the shelf when they become men – one of them is fighting. Certainly – there is a time and a place for that glorious moment that a bully or a tyrant receive a blow to the nose. I firmly believe that when people say, “Violence is never the answer” they forget that there are things worth fighting for – and there are people who need to be corrected with physical force.
But we’re not talking about fighting for a greater purpose. We’re talking about the schoolyard scrapping, and drunken brawls, and incessant need to win every argument – whether by force or sheer ego.
Many times people fight for the sake of proving their strength. Real men do not need such victories to define their worth.
If I’m minding my own business, and a man physically assaults me, I’m going to defend myself, and I’m going to do what it takes to win. But fighting and arguing and winning should never be what drives me, or motivates me.
A man should be secure enough in his self and in his own strength that he doesn’t need to pick fights and push his way to the top.
When I was a boy – I had to fight almost every day. I was bullied and pushed around. There were times when my fights were to protect myself, and times when my fights were to prove myself. I wish that I could have understood that I didn’t need to prove myself with my fists… or for that matter, with my arguments.
The truth is – you can be right, and you can be better than everyone else in the room, without it mattering whether or not everyone knows it.
Boys fight to prove their worth. Men know their worth, and only fight to protect and defend.
___________ If you want to be a better man – check out our website – Manlihood.com – for blogs, videos, and more from our Manlihood Team. Men, you can also join our private facebook group- Manlihood ManCave -where you can meet up with a band of brothers who will challenge you and help you on your journey of manhood.
This episode is produced by Hatcher Media for Manlihood.com Our Manly theme music is from Austin Stirling and also from Mark Kroos. Be sure to subscribe and leave us a review on iTunes, Youtube, or wherever you are listening to the show! Tune in again for more of the Manlihood ManCast
Local men will gather this Saturday evening for a self-defense seminar in Bradford, PA. The event will be taught by local karate instructor, Michael Miller, and will teach basic elements of self-protection, including strikes, denses, and restraints.
The event is sponsored by Manlihood.com, and is meant to equip men to better protect themselves and those around them. Manlihood founder Josh Hatcher says, “At Manlihood, we’re all about helping men be better men. I believe that includes learning how to be a protector, and how to stay safe against an attacker.”
Hatcher’s website has gathered a large following of men, and offers a podcast, and an online Facebook group with 1,300 men from around the country. “Men want to do stuff. Not just talk about stuff. So this past year, we’ve had a number of local events where men can connect and have activities that help them build camaraderie, as well as learn skills that every man should know.”
Miller is an international martial arts instructor and self-defense expert who has been involved with martial arts for over twenty-five years. He holds a 5th degree black belt in American Kenpo, a modern practical self-defense system.
The seminar is open to men 16 and up and will cost $8, and will be held at Miller’s Kenpo Karate Dojo on East Main Street in Bradford, PA from 5-6PM on Saturday.